I started smoking when I was 12. Yes, 12. Craziness, I know. By the time I was 16 I was smoking a pack a day. That frequency went up deramatically during my drinking and drugging years, and settled back to about a pack a day when I got sober. It stayed that way until October 13, 2008 - my quit date.
Was it steelish self-will? A desire to be healthy for myself, for my loved ones? Was I just sick and tired of it all? Yes, yes and yes. But this, in and of itself, was not enough. But let me back up for a moment...and tell the story of how this all came about...
It was October 11, 2008. JP and I were in Edisto. We were riding down the road and I lit a cigarette and mused out loud that I thought I might set a quit date. He sarcastically replied, "When, in 2011?" I had my own sarcastic reply..."How about when I finish this pack, a$$hole!?" It sounds so contentious, but it was joking, ribbing sarcasm, as JP and I aren't mean to one another. And anyone who knows us, who knows our banter, can probably imagine how that conversation went. This was a Saturday and we were heading back from picking up a pack at the store, so I had a pack to finish. I was joking, but the statement planted a seed that grew. What IF? What if I did quit after that pack?
Let's back up a little more...
I first started quitting smoking in 2003. A previous relationship with someone who hated my smoking. Every two weeks we would make a deal that I would quit smoking if he would quit dipping. Neither one of us ever stuck to our end of the bargain. I tried gum. I tried patches. From the time I would put the cigarettes down I would obsess. I couldn't think about anything else but trying not to smoke, wanting to have just one, or obsess over watching other people smoke. The most I lasted then was 2 weeks and picking up a cigarette was a relief every time. I had a genuine desire to not smoke. But my genuine desire wasn't enough. Neither was the criticism and dislike of my then-partner. I knew I could lose my relationship over being a smoker (although, in my defense, he did know I was a smoker from the first date and thought he could change me...my first real sign that the relationship was doomed before it began). The obsession won out. I didn't want to be a smoker. But the obsession won out. An obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. And the obsession won every single time.
Fast forward to 2008. I am back in the gym (after a hiatus from about 2004 on). Lumbering through workouts because I can't breathe. JP was very supportive. He expressed that he didn't like my smoking, but knew that I was a smoker when he started dating me and wasn't going to try to change me. I had thought about quitting but had no real desire to, although I was motivated to think about it when I was working out. My mom was a smoker, so no pressure there. My dad was a smoker, so no pressure there. Most of my friends were smokers, so no pressure there (save for my roommate, who hated it when I smoked in the car). I guess I am saying all of this to say that the thought I mused out loud on October 11, 2008, did not come from a place of outside pressure - or even a place of more than passing internal reflection. That one thought became an obsession of it's own. Instead of wanting to quit and obsessing over smoking...the thought of quitting fleetingly crossed my mind and grew to take hold over the desire to continue smoking. We were on a weekend trip with some friends and would be staying through Sunday night. I had one pack left and I stretched it through the rest of the time we were in Edisto. I had my last cigarette at around 11pm on Octotber 12, 2011.
I had moments where I struggled in the beginning. I called JP a lot for support. I had a comparison point, though, and this time was WAY different than when I had tried to quit before. Even from the first day, the obsession would hit periodically, but it would often pass quickly. I stated above that I have steelish self-will. Anyone who has been locked in a debate with me can attest to this. Lol. Seriously, though...self-will holds no power when the brain is hijacked the way it is in the case of addictions, especially with nicotine. If you are confused by this statement, then go back and read the paragraph that starts with me talking about first starting to quit in 2003. The self will is powerless in in the face of an obsession that crowds out all other thoughts. But there was peace. Despite the fact that I had no pressure, no real desire, no circumstances that made wanting or needing to quit an imminent thought...
I give credit to my Higher Power. The one thing that always gave me perfect peace and set my mind at ease during the month or two following my last cigarette was something JP shared with me about when he quit smoking. He said that he saw quitting as a contract between him and God. He knew God would honor his desire to quit by removing the obsession, but He could only do this if he didn't put the substance in his body. Of course, I had experience with this...seeing as I was 10 years sober when I quit smoking...but having JP say it to me and remind me of it gave me such peace and comfort. It wasn't a replacement thought. There was no struggle. There was just peace.
And today, I can't even remember what it was like to be a smoker. I can't recall what it was like to hold a cigarette, to light it, to draw that first drag off of it. It's funny...there is a little anxiety that happens when I write it out that graphically. There is something in my brain that remembers, but it's nothing like the euphoric recall that happens when I describe what a drink or what cocaine felt like. I literally can't remember what it was like to smoke, even though I smoked for 20 years (yup....started at 12, quit at 32...scary isn't it?). That is grace, plain and simple. And I am grateful for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment