Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Apple and tree and all...
Last night as I was walking through our doorway that has our pull up bar on it, Jenna reached up like she wanted to pull up. I pushed her up and the mimicked doing pull ups like she sees us doing. At the end, I loosened up my grip, and she hung on the bar holding her own weight. JP and I were really surprised that she was able to do this. Later in the evening, when we were coming out to say goodnight to Daddy, she grabbed at the pull up bar again, and here is the video of her doing it - only this time, she pulls herself up for one on her own (you can hear JP say, "Oh my gosh" right after)....
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Back to life...
Back to reality...
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Pulling the plug...
Have you ever known you needed to make a decision, but wanted to wait to make sure it's the decision you needed to make? Well, that is the way I have been feeling about this show. Yesterday I made the final decision to pull the plug on it and not do it. And I found peace in the decision.
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
Monday, August 13, 2012
H-A-L-T
In the recovering community, we have a saying - dont' let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I find this is totally applicable to competition prep, too.
I wrote yesterday's post from my iPhone, as we traveled home from a funeral in New Jersey. We left Thursday afternoon, drive 6 hours to Richmond, Va, where we stayed the night in a hotel. We were back up first thing Firday, did the remaining 6 hours (which took 8 with traffic) to Bordentown, NJ, where we did a whirlwind of family visitation, funeral, luncheon and just a small bit of down time with family. Sunday morning we hit the road at 7:30am - and pulled in the driveway at 9:45pm. A looooooooooong day for sure. As a result, I am beyond exhasuted at the moment. And it's a hollow day to boot.
So, although I am not lonely or angry (ok...a little grumpy from being exhausted...), I am extremely exhausted. Tired for me is the key. If I am tired, then my perception gets skewed in every way, setting the stage for the other three offenders to make an appearance. Hungry works the same for me, seeing as I am hypoglycemic. Reality is that I only feel hungry, not that I actually am hungry. I can at least still make that distinction in my sleepy haze.
This too shall pass. First things first. The only way to it is through it. I am finding myself thinking these things, and I feel a bit like a newcomer again. Wait! I am a newcomer. Not in the sobriety sense, but definitely in the competition prep sense. I have helped others along in their prep. I have attended shows. I have helped expedite shows. But I have never comepeted myself or completed competition prep before now. As a result, I do have a set of tools I can use in this situation - a solution - now that I have my problem properly identified (that I am a newcomer - that I am powerless over my fatigue, over my feeling of hunger, over the nuances that divert my attention from the goal).
Easy Does It. I have to take it easy on myself. I did just go on a whirlwind trip and I am legitimately exhausted. I will get rest tonight, when I have completed my commitments for the day.
First Things First. I can only do what is right in front of me. No point in rehashing even five minutes ago and it's just not possible to be anywhere in the future, so now is all I have. It is my reality. In the moment, all of my wants and needs are met (except for sleep, but I can survive the day).
This Too Shall Pass. And it shall. My fatigue can be managed by getting appropriate sleep tonight. My hunger can be managed by realizing that I am not legitimately hungry - as I just ate 3 ounces of broccoli, 5 ounces of egg whites, a boiled egg and an ounce of oatmeal. My brain is still humming from being lit up by the sight and smell of all of the funeral food this weekend, but that, too, will pass. Most likely as soon as I get some sleep. And either way, I am eating enough and I am nourished.
One Day At A Time. That is the only way to get through anything. When I project my brain to 26 days from now, everything seems unmanageable. When I focus on the day at hand, it's all very manageable. And realistic. And satsifying.
The Only Way To It is Through It. Setting goals and working toward them are a process of delayed gratification. All good things come through work. Through working for the goal, I get a sense of satisfaction, pride and accomplishment that just doesn't happen with instant gratification. Instant gratification is what got me to the place where I was unrecognizable. Delayed gratification has gotten me here, recapturing the self I lost in the process of instant gratification. Also, instant gratification is a mirage....as soon as you have it, it dissapates - leaving in it's wake a desire for more. The greatest way to combat this is through good, old-fashioned hard work.
Think...Think...Think. The one thing that kep me grounded this weekend was the thought that I did not want to ruin 17 weeks of competition prep - especially since I am now only 4 weeks out. There are moments when thinking it through is not a useful tool (that is the nature of an obsessive thought - it crowds out all other thoughts - even rational ones), but I was able to keep grounded in reality enough to know that eating outside of my diet at this point would honestly negate all of the hard work I have done so far.
Live And Let Live. The family was very supportive, which made it all a lot easier. Funny how many people don't understand, but they kept going on, and no one gave a second thought to the fact that I was eating my own food - even at the restaurant after the funeral. This may sound like a small thing, but having people focus in on everything actually makes it harder, not easier. In the end, I have to do what I have to do. JP was there with me, and he is always the voice of reason for me. Ok...most of the time he is the voice of reason. He did have a "Honey, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do..." moment, but after asking him not to do that, he became his usual self - outlining all of the ways I would regret the decision to eat outside of my diet.
...But For the Grace of God... Interestingly, I have stayed away from talking about this as a spiritual process, but it truly is a spiritual process to discipline yourself to a goal and stick with it. It is a letting go of self - of your perception of what you think you want in a moment - of instant gratification... It is a process of faith - proceeding even though you don't know what the outcome will be, and accepting that your part is the footwork. And being content with the footwork. Just typing this paragraph brings me peace. So, yeah...this is a spiritual process for sure.
Funny how this works. I started this post feeling frustrated, tired and hungry. Like a gratitude list in action, this post has provided for me exactly what I needed in this moment, as I all the sudden feel rejuvenated, grateful and content. I can't even think of a great way to wrap this one up...I am just going to say that I am signing off with a new attitude and a smile on my face (and in my heart).
I wrote yesterday's post from my iPhone, as we traveled home from a funeral in New Jersey. We left Thursday afternoon, drive 6 hours to Richmond, Va, where we stayed the night in a hotel. We were back up first thing Firday, did the remaining 6 hours (which took 8 with traffic) to Bordentown, NJ, where we did a whirlwind of family visitation, funeral, luncheon and just a small bit of down time with family. Sunday morning we hit the road at 7:30am - and pulled in the driveway at 9:45pm. A looooooooooong day for sure. As a result, I am beyond exhasuted at the moment. And it's a hollow day to boot.
So, although I am not lonely or angry (ok...a little grumpy from being exhausted...), I am extremely exhausted. Tired for me is the key. If I am tired, then my perception gets skewed in every way, setting the stage for the other three offenders to make an appearance. Hungry works the same for me, seeing as I am hypoglycemic. Reality is that I only feel hungry, not that I actually am hungry. I can at least still make that distinction in my sleepy haze.
This too shall pass. First things first. The only way to it is through it. I am finding myself thinking these things, and I feel a bit like a newcomer again. Wait! I am a newcomer. Not in the sobriety sense, but definitely in the competition prep sense. I have helped others along in their prep. I have attended shows. I have helped expedite shows. But I have never comepeted myself or completed competition prep before now. As a result, I do have a set of tools I can use in this situation - a solution - now that I have my problem properly identified (that I am a newcomer - that I am powerless over my fatigue, over my feeling of hunger, over the nuances that divert my attention from the goal).
Easy Does It. I have to take it easy on myself. I did just go on a whirlwind trip and I am legitimately exhausted. I will get rest tonight, when I have completed my commitments for the day.
First Things First. I can only do what is right in front of me. No point in rehashing even five minutes ago and it's just not possible to be anywhere in the future, so now is all I have. It is my reality. In the moment, all of my wants and needs are met (except for sleep, but I can survive the day).
This Too Shall Pass. And it shall. My fatigue can be managed by getting appropriate sleep tonight. My hunger can be managed by realizing that I am not legitimately hungry - as I just ate 3 ounces of broccoli, 5 ounces of egg whites, a boiled egg and an ounce of oatmeal. My brain is still humming from being lit up by the sight and smell of all of the funeral food this weekend, but that, too, will pass. Most likely as soon as I get some sleep. And either way, I am eating enough and I am nourished.
One Day At A Time. That is the only way to get through anything. When I project my brain to 26 days from now, everything seems unmanageable. When I focus on the day at hand, it's all very manageable. And realistic. And satsifying.
The Only Way To It is Through It. Setting goals and working toward them are a process of delayed gratification. All good things come through work. Through working for the goal, I get a sense of satisfaction, pride and accomplishment that just doesn't happen with instant gratification. Instant gratification is what got me to the place where I was unrecognizable. Delayed gratification has gotten me here, recapturing the self I lost in the process of instant gratification. Also, instant gratification is a mirage....as soon as you have it, it dissapates - leaving in it's wake a desire for more. The greatest way to combat this is through good, old-fashioned hard work.
Think...Think...Think. The one thing that kep me grounded this weekend was the thought that I did not want to ruin 17 weeks of competition prep - especially since I am now only 4 weeks out. There are moments when thinking it through is not a useful tool (that is the nature of an obsessive thought - it crowds out all other thoughts - even rational ones), but I was able to keep grounded in reality enough to know that eating outside of my diet at this point would honestly negate all of the hard work I have done so far.
Live And Let Live. The family was very supportive, which made it all a lot easier. Funny how many people don't understand, but they kept going on, and no one gave a second thought to the fact that I was eating my own food - even at the restaurant after the funeral. This may sound like a small thing, but having people focus in on everything actually makes it harder, not easier. In the end, I have to do what I have to do. JP was there with me, and he is always the voice of reason for me. Ok...most of the time he is the voice of reason. He did have a "Honey, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do..." moment, but after asking him not to do that, he became his usual self - outlining all of the ways I would regret the decision to eat outside of my diet.
...But For the Grace of God... Interestingly, I have stayed away from talking about this as a spiritual process, but it truly is a spiritual process to discipline yourself to a goal and stick with it. It is a letting go of self - of your perception of what you think you want in a moment - of instant gratification... It is a process of faith - proceeding even though you don't know what the outcome will be, and accepting that your part is the footwork. And being content with the footwork. Just typing this paragraph brings me peace. So, yeah...this is a spiritual process for sure.
Funny how this works. I started this post feeling frustrated, tired and hungry. Like a gratitude list in action, this post has provided for me exactly what I needed in this moment, as I all the sudden feel rejuvenated, grateful and content. I can't even think of a great way to wrap this one up...I am just going to say that I am signing off with a new attitude and a smile on my face (and in my heart).
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A rough weekend for sure, but now 3 weeks and 6 days out!
Yes, 3 weeks and 6 days or 27 total days before go time...
Driving long distances is rough, even in the best of circumstances. Driving long distances with an 18 month old is even rougher, even in the best of circumstances. Throw in the fact that I am in the final stretch of my competition prep, and we have traveled to and are on our way home from a funeral - where there has been TONS of yummy looking and smelling food - and it's pure torture.
That's right - pure torture. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday. As the rest of the family ate their chicken parm, pizza, fried potatoes, chocolate, and Tasty Kakes, I just about cracked. I even texted my coach, asking if I could have 1 piece of pizza, and then telling him what torture it was. His response? "Deal with it." Yeah, thanks.
As I went to bed last night, I was frustrated, pissed off. This was this first time I have really struggledlike this. In that moment, I could see why people say actually competing separates bodybuilders from weight lifters. In the interest of being honest during this process, the following are all things I struggled with while on this trip:
1. I really wanted to have a full-on coffee - or at the least, a coffee with some sweetener in it. Black iced coffee and coffee from truck stops just sucks when on the road. And when I'm on the road for 10+ hours, there is no way I am making the trip without some form of caffeine - and black coffee is my option right now.
2. With all of that crappy black coffee, I really wanted a piece of gum for my black coffee breath. Alas, no gum - or mints - for me.
3. Eating is a family culture. When you don't eat what everyone else is eating, it changes the dynamic of the family culture for you. JP's family is an eating family - lots of funeral food was brought over, lots of pasta and bread at the post-funeral luncheon, lots of pizza and Tasty Kakes for those who don't live in New Jersey. This is where I struggled most. I just wanted to eat with the culture - and I now have Tasty Kakes on my post show list. It's the first time in all of this - save for gum and sweeteners- that I have honestly thought of something I want to eat and knew for sure it was a yes.
4. I really just want to be able to eat on the fly. I know that preparation equals success in this process, and I did get a lot of comfort from prepping my meals for the drive home today, but just for once I want a meal that doesn't require a truck stop microwave to eat it - or a plan to eat it cold with lots of water.
So, I guess I have finally entered the competition equivalent of senioritis...and just like senioritis, it feels like it is going to be an eternity.
Like the rest of life, I guess this is the time I step back and appraise the truth of the situation. First, if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Second, I made this choice for a reason - to be more healthy and just do it, and since I have already met part of that equation, I need to stick through the other part - the just do it part - and hopefully by that time I will be past obsession over everything I want to eat and will get back to reality. What is reality exactly? Well, it's understanding that, though I won't eat as restrictive as I am now, the truth of being healthy with food is understanding that food is fuel. If I treat it as fuel, then I have a chance of staying healthy. If I treat it as something more than fuel, then I start back in the path that got me to 240 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.
Food is fuel. And sometimes it is community, belonging, but more often than not, it's fuel. Keeping that in perspective will get me through the next 27 days...and beyond...
Driving long distances is rough, even in the best of circumstances. Driving long distances with an 18 month old is even rougher, even in the best of circumstances. Throw in the fact that I am in the final stretch of my competition prep, and we have traveled to and are on our way home from a funeral - where there has been TONS of yummy looking and smelling food - and it's pure torture.
That's right - pure torture. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday. As the rest of the family ate their chicken parm, pizza, fried potatoes, chocolate, and Tasty Kakes, I just about cracked. I even texted my coach, asking if I could have 1 piece of pizza, and then telling him what torture it was. His response? "Deal with it." Yeah, thanks.
As I went to bed last night, I was frustrated, pissed off. This was this first time I have really struggledlike this. In that moment, I could see why people say actually competing separates bodybuilders from weight lifters. In the interest of being honest during this process, the following are all things I struggled with while on this trip:
1. I really wanted to have a full-on coffee - or at the least, a coffee with some sweetener in it. Black iced coffee and coffee from truck stops just sucks when on the road. And when I'm on the road for 10+ hours, there is no way I am making the trip without some form of caffeine - and black coffee is my option right now.
2. With all of that crappy black coffee, I really wanted a piece of gum for my black coffee breath. Alas, no gum - or mints - for me.
3. Eating is a family culture. When you don't eat what everyone else is eating, it changes the dynamic of the family culture for you. JP's family is an eating family - lots of funeral food was brought over, lots of pasta and bread at the post-funeral luncheon, lots of pizza and Tasty Kakes for those who don't live in New Jersey. This is where I struggled most. I just wanted to eat with the culture - and I now have Tasty Kakes on my post show list. It's the first time in all of this - save for gum and sweeteners- that I have honestly thought of something I want to eat and knew for sure it was a yes.
4. I really just want to be able to eat on the fly. I know that preparation equals success in this process, and I did get a lot of comfort from prepping my meals for the drive home today, but just for once I want a meal that doesn't require a truck stop microwave to eat it - or a plan to eat it cold with lots of water.
So, I guess I have finally entered the competition equivalent of senioritis...and just like senioritis, it feels like it is going to be an eternity.
Like the rest of life, I guess this is the time I step back and appraise the truth of the situation. First, if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Second, I made this choice for a reason - to be more healthy and just do it, and since I have already met part of that equation, I need to stick through the other part - the just do it part - and hopefully by that time I will be past obsession over everything I want to eat and will get back to reality. What is reality exactly? Well, it's understanding that, though I won't eat as restrictive as I am now, the truth of being healthy with food is understanding that food is fuel. If I treat it as fuel, then I have a chance of staying healthy. If I treat it as something more than fuel, then I start back in the path that got me to 240 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.
Food is fuel. And sometimes it is community, belonging, but more often than not, it's fuel. Keeping that in perspective will get me through the next 27 days...and beyond...
Monday, August 6, 2012
Shared wisdom
As with anything else in life, I gain strength from others sharing their experience and wisdom with me. I have a number of friends who have competed or are competitors, and I have had many conversations about the nuances of competition prep. I reach out to them when I am struggling, anxious, full of fear or stumped, and they always help me - usually through imparting experiences of their own, things they have learned, or things they have observed (that may not necessarily be their direct experience).
The other day a friend of mine - the person I have referred to as the only person I know of who reads this post regularly - sent me an email that really hit home with me. He is not a bodybuilding competitor, but he is a powerlifting competitor. Here is a little of what he shared about his first powerlifting meet:
"At the end of the day, I ended up doing much, much worse than even my limited expectations. But I did the most important thing, which was getting through without bombing out. I learned a lot of lessons that day (like "don't lift in APL meets" and "bring baby wipes in your gym bag"). But… I came home with a trophy because I was the only one in my weight class. I spent 8 hours around lifters who were a lot better than me, and had the opportunity to talk to them and learn a lot (a PL meet involves a ton of time just sitting around and waiting for your turn). I got to see different techniques in person, talk to judges, and just be a sponge...."
Check. Check and check. I have been a spectator at shows, I have even helped expedite shows, but the only way to learn the process is through the process. Great point - and point taken.
"...Did I do well? No. Was I "competitive"? No. Was I even "ready" for the meet? No. But doing absolutely lousy in a competition was vital to doing well in the ones after that. Can someone do well in their first competition? Maybe, but it is rare....I know that for me, if I did a bodybuilding show or something similar, I would think of the first show not as "my first competition" but as a warmup for my first competition. A dry run. A simulation. I would go into it with the mindset of trying to learn as much as possible from it. The only way to "not be ready" for it, to me, is if my mind wasn't in the "learning" mode. But at the end of the day, no amount of preparation, practice, or coaching can do for you what that first competition will do. The only way to really get ready to compete is by competing..."
YES! And that is what this is...a dry run, a dress rehearsal, a chance to rip off the band-aid and inspect that part underneath that I couldn't without just doing it. Even better point.
"...Will you be ready for the upcoming show? That depends on what you mean by "ready". You have been working hard on the posing it looks like. Tanning starts soon if it hasn't already. You're sticking to your diet and exercise plan. The only thing that might not be "ready" is your body itself. There's a difference between "able to be on stage" and "winning" in these things. As long as you feel that you are "able to be on stage", that's all there is to it...the way I see it, as long as you are realistic… and keep in mind the fact that you are doing this without the chemical shenanigans that many other competitors are… I think that you will be fine."
Hmmm. This is EXACTLY what I keep hearing from my friends who compete, from JP (he's not objective, though...lol) and from my coach. Best point yet.
And so it goes, that I have heard this a million and one times so far, but it took this email, written in just the way it is written, with the illustration of his experience (and outcome) with his first powerlifting meet, for all of this to come together and really sink in.
And that is the nature of seeking strength from others - and allowing others to share their experience - it not only normalizes what I am going through, but it helps me keep my expectations in check. Because - truth be told - I did talk about the last national show of the year when I first decided to do this show. I was convinced I was going to be conditioned like a champ and ready to kill it and get my pro card in 2 shows. LMAO!! Ok...my expectations weren't that high, but I did research other bigger shows for the end of the year. As soon as last week, I was researching another show for November 3rd - so I could tighten up more and come in for that show...
Insanity! This past weekend I stopped and really thought about the fact that I have been doing competition prep for 16 weeks so far - and will have been doing it for 21 weeks total by September 8th. I think I'll "retire" for a bit and shoot to do another show in the spring - and be happy for the experience of having done my first show, my dress rehearsal - and gained knowledge I never would have any other way. Although I have no idea how it will turn out - only the next 4+ weeks will tell - I will have done it. Which, at the end of the day, was truly my only goal when this all started.
The other day a friend of mine - the person I have referred to as the only person I know of who reads this post regularly - sent me an email that really hit home with me. He is not a bodybuilding competitor, but he is a powerlifting competitor. Here is a little of what he shared about his first powerlifting meet:
"At the end of the day, I ended up doing much, much worse than even my limited expectations. But I did the most important thing, which was getting through without bombing out. I learned a lot of lessons that day (like "don't lift in APL meets" and "bring baby wipes in your gym bag"). But… I came home with a trophy because I was the only one in my weight class. I spent 8 hours around lifters who were a lot better than me, and had the opportunity to talk to them and learn a lot (a PL meet involves a ton of time just sitting around and waiting for your turn). I got to see different techniques in person, talk to judges, and just be a sponge...."
Check. Check and check. I have been a spectator at shows, I have even helped expedite shows, but the only way to learn the process is through the process. Great point - and point taken.
"...Did I do well? No. Was I "competitive"? No. Was I even "ready" for the meet? No. But doing absolutely lousy in a competition was vital to doing well in the ones after that. Can someone do well in their first competition? Maybe, but it is rare....I know that for me, if I did a bodybuilding show or something similar, I would think of the first show not as "my first competition" but as a warmup for my first competition. A dry run. A simulation. I would go into it with the mindset of trying to learn as much as possible from it. The only way to "not be ready" for it, to me, is if my mind wasn't in the "learning" mode. But at the end of the day, no amount of preparation, practice, or coaching can do for you what that first competition will do. The only way to really get ready to compete is by competing..."
YES! And that is what this is...a dry run, a dress rehearsal, a chance to rip off the band-aid and inspect that part underneath that I couldn't without just doing it. Even better point.
"...Will you be ready for the upcoming show? That depends on what you mean by "ready". You have been working hard on the posing it looks like. Tanning starts soon if it hasn't already. You're sticking to your diet and exercise plan. The only thing that might not be "ready" is your body itself. There's a difference between "able to be on stage" and "winning" in these things. As long as you feel that you are "able to be on stage", that's all there is to it...the way I see it, as long as you are realistic… and keep in mind the fact that you are doing this without the chemical shenanigans that many other competitors are… I think that you will be fine."
Hmmm. This is EXACTLY what I keep hearing from my friends who compete, from JP (he's not objective, though...lol) and from my coach. Best point yet.
And so it goes, that I have heard this a million and one times so far, but it took this email, written in just the way it is written, with the illustration of his experience (and outcome) with his first powerlifting meet, for all of this to come together and really sink in.
And that is the nature of seeking strength from others - and allowing others to share their experience - it not only normalizes what I am going through, but it helps me keep my expectations in check. Because - truth be told - I did talk about the last national show of the year when I first decided to do this show. I was convinced I was going to be conditioned like a champ and ready to kill it and get my pro card in 2 shows. LMAO!! Ok...my expectations weren't that high, but I did research other bigger shows for the end of the year. As soon as last week, I was researching another show for November 3rd - so I could tighten up more and come in for that show...
Insanity! This past weekend I stopped and really thought about the fact that I have been doing competition prep for 16 weeks so far - and will have been doing it for 21 weeks total by September 8th. I think I'll "retire" for a bit and shoot to do another show in the spring - and be happy for the experience of having done my first show, my dress rehearsal - and gained knowledge I never would have any other way. Although I have no idea how it will turn out - only the next 4+ weeks will tell - I will have done it. Which, at the end of the day, was truly my only goal when this all started.
Posing Practice 8/3/12
I can definitely see an improvement in posing from last week to this week. The big thing I can see I need to work on from this video is holding my abs in. You can see in both of my close up side chest poses what a difference it makes, as I tighten in my abs after I set my pose. JP watched it and was blown away by the difference. I have leaned out from last week to this week, and can see a difference in my legs and back and stomach, although I would like to see more! Always more, right? :)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
This matter of faith...
How is competition prep like thrift shopping? It's a matter of faith. Of
willingness. Of trust - in a process, that submitting to a process you don't
necessarily understand or even like will bring out results beyond what you can
conceive of in and of yourself.
I had this revelation the other day. Simple, but profound at the moment. I had spent a bit of time researching toddler tables for Jenna. She really is getting uncomfortable in her high chair, and since we all eat on different schedules, it's not usually necessary to have her at the dinner table when she eats. I was dumbfounded by the fact that a simple plastic or wood table could start out at $80+, at least for ones that had good reviews. That is money we just don't have right now. I have been trolling at Once Upon a Child and peeking as I pass yard sales with no luck. I had accepted that it would be a bit - maybe for Christmas? - before we could get her a table. That same day, I asked JP if I could take a couple of dollars - as in like $20, which is a lot right now - and go to a couple of consignment shops and thrift stores to see if I can find some pants for work.
Let me inject a side thought here...as we are not destitute and starving, just tight on money and making a commitment to be wise(r) with money decisions. Given that I have lost a good bit of weight in the last 5 months, making an attempt to find hand-me-downs, as well as thrift and consignment clothing, is one of the commitments I have made to assisting us in being better stewards of our money.
As I was heading to a certain consignment store - coming from work, a direction I rarely, if ever, go - I passed a used furniture store. To my amazement I spot a children's Little Tikes table for sale out front. I turned around and went back, inspected it (in great shape!), and went to inquire about a price. They wanted $24 for it and it included two chairs with it. I called JP - we might find another one in the future for that price, but given that I had just been researching it and finally let go of the idea of having one right now, I couldn't pass up the deal. He said yes, so I bought it and put it in the car. I then proceeded on to two consignment shops, where 2 of the items I found were 50% off (for $9 total), two of the items I found were 40% off (for $8 total) and one item was 30% off (for a total of $5). Yes a little over budget, but they were all label items (LOFT, Nine West and Charlotte Russe), so you couldn't beat it. What does this have to do with faith? First, it takes willingness - to not get caught up in the instant gratification of shopping for clothes brand new, to search through multiple racks at thrift and consignment shops, or to ask those around you if they have clothes they want to get rid of, to let go of the idea that you need something brand new and to step out of your comfort zone. Then trust - in the process, that you will find something that fits/is nice/will last/that you like, that your needs - and even some of your wants - will be met, that you can meet two goals - in this example, to save money and find much needed clothes. I can't afford most of the labels I buy at these consignment and thrift stores. That is just being honest. But I find them - regularly - in the thrift and consignment shops. So, by trusting the process and being willing, I end up with nicer and more durable items than I would if I bought what I can afford brand new.
So how does this compare to the process of competition prep? And, even more important, how did shopping on this day bring this profound revelation to the forefront of my mind?
As I stated in the last post, I had a moment this past weekend. A moment where I accepted, to the deepest part of my being, that I may not be ready in time for the Stewart Fitness show on September 8th. I had considered this before, but this past weekend was the first time I really accepted it. That was a sad experience for me, as I have worked really hard to make this goal. In essence, my desire to meet this particular goal has been a driving force for me, even if I have been able to focus on the nuances as I go, learning a lot in the process. Letting go of this as a driving force was a bit painful for me, I have to admit. Allowing the veil of self-will to fall away is always painful, in it's own way. In spite of this, I made the agreement - with JP and with David, my coach - to push forward and make a final determination the week of. As a result, I have not faltered from my nutrition, have continued with my workouts and have stepped up my posing practice. I am proceeding as if...which I really acknowledged on the day of my last post - the day before the consignment shopping trip on Tuesday.
On Tuesday, I took a day off from the gym to do this little shopping expedition, so I could rest for a day and do something different. I was in full acceptance mode, researching Jen Hendershott's show and doing some of the math, so I can be prepared if this show doesn't work out. When I got to the first consignment shop, I grabbed a pair of pants in a size I just knew would be a bit small. When I put them on, they fit. Wait...what? They fit...they really fit. And they were cute. And in that moment, I saw myself as I was. And I realized that my stomach - the area I am most concerned about for my show - is smaller than it was on Sunday, when I did measurements. I was still on a high from finding that table so cheap, and now I stopped, really looked at my body, and I realized this might just happen afterall. I am not going to come in at some super low body fat %, with every striation of muscle showing, but I might lean out just enough to do my first show and do okay at it.
This may sound vain to some who read this, but it was a profound moment for me. Although my idea of things came crashing down around me, I stuck with the plan - I had faith. I was willing to do the work, and trust the process, even while doubting the outcome. And that is the beauty of faith - I am not in control of the outcome anyway. My life has been one continuous lesson of accepting what I am powerless over, only to find strength and inspiration in the letting go. And in doing so, I many times get outcomes beyond my wildest imagination. So I will move forward with purpose, keeping the focus on the moment at hand....willing to do the work, trust the process, and let the outcome unfold as it will.
Now, if I could just find a competition suit at a thrift store...:)
I had this revelation the other day. Simple, but profound at the moment. I had spent a bit of time researching toddler tables for Jenna. She really is getting uncomfortable in her high chair, and since we all eat on different schedules, it's not usually necessary to have her at the dinner table when she eats. I was dumbfounded by the fact that a simple plastic or wood table could start out at $80+, at least for ones that had good reviews. That is money we just don't have right now. I have been trolling at Once Upon a Child and peeking as I pass yard sales with no luck. I had accepted that it would be a bit - maybe for Christmas? - before we could get her a table. That same day, I asked JP if I could take a couple of dollars - as in like $20, which is a lot right now - and go to a couple of consignment shops and thrift stores to see if I can find some pants for work.
Let me inject a side thought here...as we are not destitute and starving, just tight on money and making a commitment to be wise(r) with money decisions. Given that I have lost a good bit of weight in the last 5 months, making an attempt to find hand-me-downs, as well as thrift and consignment clothing, is one of the commitments I have made to assisting us in being better stewards of our money.
As I was heading to a certain consignment store - coming from work, a direction I rarely, if ever, go - I passed a used furniture store. To my amazement I spot a children's Little Tikes table for sale out front. I turned around and went back, inspected it (in great shape!), and went to inquire about a price. They wanted $24 for it and it included two chairs with it. I called JP - we might find another one in the future for that price, but given that I had just been researching it and finally let go of the idea of having one right now, I couldn't pass up the deal. He said yes, so I bought it and put it in the car. I then proceeded on to two consignment shops, where 2 of the items I found were 50% off (for $9 total), two of the items I found were 40% off (for $8 total) and one item was 30% off (for a total of $5). Yes a little over budget, but they were all label items (LOFT, Nine West and Charlotte Russe), so you couldn't beat it. What does this have to do with faith? First, it takes willingness - to not get caught up in the instant gratification of shopping for clothes brand new, to search through multiple racks at thrift and consignment shops, or to ask those around you if they have clothes they want to get rid of, to let go of the idea that you need something brand new and to step out of your comfort zone. Then trust - in the process, that you will find something that fits/is nice/will last/that you like, that your needs - and even some of your wants - will be met, that you can meet two goals - in this example, to save money and find much needed clothes. I can't afford most of the labels I buy at these consignment and thrift stores. That is just being honest. But I find them - regularly - in the thrift and consignment shops. So, by trusting the process and being willing, I end up with nicer and more durable items than I would if I bought what I can afford brand new.
So how does this compare to the process of competition prep? And, even more important, how did shopping on this day bring this profound revelation to the forefront of my mind?
As I stated in the last post, I had a moment this past weekend. A moment where I accepted, to the deepest part of my being, that I may not be ready in time for the Stewart Fitness show on September 8th. I had considered this before, but this past weekend was the first time I really accepted it. That was a sad experience for me, as I have worked really hard to make this goal. In essence, my desire to meet this particular goal has been a driving force for me, even if I have been able to focus on the nuances as I go, learning a lot in the process. Letting go of this as a driving force was a bit painful for me, I have to admit. Allowing the veil of self-will to fall away is always painful, in it's own way. In spite of this, I made the agreement - with JP and with David, my coach - to push forward and make a final determination the week of. As a result, I have not faltered from my nutrition, have continued with my workouts and have stepped up my posing practice. I am proceeding as if...which I really acknowledged on the day of my last post - the day before the consignment shopping trip on Tuesday.
On Tuesday, I took a day off from the gym to do this little shopping expedition, so I could rest for a day and do something different. I was in full acceptance mode, researching Jen Hendershott's show and doing some of the math, so I can be prepared if this show doesn't work out. When I got to the first consignment shop, I grabbed a pair of pants in a size I just knew would be a bit small. When I put them on, they fit. Wait...what? They fit...they really fit. And they were cute. And in that moment, I saw myself as I was. And I realized that my stomach - the area I am most concerned about for my show - is smaller than it was on Sunday, when I did measurements. I was still on a high from finding that table so cheap, and now I stopped, really looked at my body, and I realized this might just happen afterall. I am not going to come in at some super low body fat %, with every striation of muscle showing, but I might lean out just enough to do my first show and do okay at it.
This may sound vain to some who read this, but it was a profound moment for me. Although my idea of things came crashing down around me, I stuck with the plan - I had faith. I was willing to do the work, and trust the process, even while doubting the outcome. And that is the beauty of faith - I am not in control of the outcome anyway. My life has been one continuous lesson of accepting what I am powerless over, only to find strength and inspiration in the letting go. And in doing so, I many times get outcomes beyond my wildest imagination. So I will move forward with purpose, keeping the focus on the moment at hand....willing to do the work, trust the process, and let the outcome unfold as it will.
Now, if I could just find a competition suit at a thrift store...:)
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