Bleh. Yup, that's the way I feel about it. Just bleh.
By "it" I mean the gym. When I get there, I love it. But it's the getting there that's the problem. Call this the down side to competition prep. Some people stay steady in the gym, others get burned out and find themselves where I am...bleh. And I am okay with that for now.
On the other hand, I have been making some other changes I am really happy about. A while back I started really...I mean really...doing research about how toxic everyday products are. We made the change with cleaning products months ago. I largely clean with a combination of baking soda, Seventh Generation dish soap and essential oils, and I am realizing these work better than any harsh chemical cleaner ever could. And they don't strip the surface of my bath tubs, sinks and counters. Who wouldn't want that?
So now we are on to personal care products. If you really want an eye opener...check out the toxicity of your personal care products, check them out here: EGW Skin Deep
Which brings me to my thoughts about this. At the State Fair this year, we stopped at a vendor who was selling raw Shea butter. I have been wanting to try Shea butter forever, but haven't been impressed with the laundry list of ingredients in the lotions I have seen so far. This is not a lotion, but actual raw Shea butter. I figured I would try it out and it turns out that I love it. Much better than any processed, scented, stock lotion I have ever used. It's perfect for cold weather, as it acts as a natural barrier to keep moisture in. Unlike stock lotion, it has no alcohol, so I don't need to do more than put it on when I get out of the shower in the morning. As with anything, there are downsides. I have had to adjust my morning routine where I put the Shea butter on after drying my hair, as it is thick on my skin and I shed like crazy when I dry my hair. The combination left me with hair stuck all over the place by the time my hair was dry. Also, as a result of the thickness, clothing can be a little sticky at first. As a result, I have switched to using a combination of products. On mornings when I am in a hurry and don't have time to let the Shea butter settle, I use JP's lotion - a brand called Nubian Heritage. It's smooth and has natural scent, so it's not overwhelming.
In addition to the body lotion, I wanted to change to a more natural hand lotion. I saw a product at Whole Foods called "Just Wanna Melt". It is a lotion bar that is in a small tin. I was a sceptic at first, especially on the effort it would take to use it, but after having used it, I love it! I only have to use it about twice per day (even on the coldest days), compared to the 20+ times I would use traditional hand lotion. I would recommend this product hands down (lol!) over traditional hand lotion. Here is the website: Just Wanna Melt
After changing lotions, we also felt compelled to address our use of stock deodorant. So we switched to using stone (Thai stone, etc) deodorant sticks. They are a great natural deodorizer and I find them extremely effective for this purpose. On the other hand, they provide no anti-perspirant properties. This is a problem in the winter, when the bulk of body heat stays at the core....resulting in increases perspiration from the arm pits. Gross, but true. I know everyone reading this knows exactly what I am talking about. As a result, I did research, and it seems that there is really no natural alternative to aluminum and aluminum variations for anti-perspirant properties. As a result, I have decided to take a balanced approach with this...as I am just not willing to smile and act like my wet pits are no big deal. What I have decided to do is use the stone every day for deodorant properties, and utilize a special roll-on that contains concentrated aluminum 2x per week. This will help control the perspiration while attempting to minimize the exposure to toxins as much as possible. I am having to take a less is better than what it was approach on this one.
Another area I have decided to address is face care products, especially face wash, face lotions and eye cream. I used up all of the old face wash I had, as well as my face lotion (which actually ran out at the same time for once in my life). Once I was out, I started using a olive oil/Castor oil mix as a face wash. Olive oil is a natural cleanser and easily removes make-up. Castor oil is a natural astringent. The instructions I found said to use a 50/50 mix for combination or normal skin, a higher mix of olive oil to Castor oil for dry skin and a higher mix of Castor oil to olive oil for oily skin. I have combination skin, so I have been trying the 50/50 combination. To say that I love it is an understatement! I apply it to my face at night, rubbing it in for about 1-2 minutes. I then run a face towel under hot water and apply it to my face for a few seconds, then start rubbing my face with the hot towel, washing it out and wiping my face until I have removed the oil. It takes my make up off without having to work (even stubborn eye make up) and it leaves my skin feeling fresh. The downside is that the skin around my eyes was getting dried out (which is already an issue during the winter, but worse once I started this). As a result, I found a recipe for an all natural eye cream I made last night and will start using tonight, so I will have to report back after I have been trying it for a while. I used to have to wash my face every night and every morning, putting lotion on my face after washing it and applying heavy duty eye cream every night. I now just wash my face at night, utilize no lotion, and will start the homemade eye cream (which is made out of coconut oil and the oil from vitamin E soft gel capsules).
Finally, JP and I have cleaned out all "fake" scent items from our house, including candles. We have been utilizing reed and electric diffusers with essential oils plus sage and a very specific brand of incense to add scents to our home. In addition, JP has switch to a more environmentally-friendly hair gel and shave cream. We have always used toxin-free, harder to find products for Jenna, and have continued with this with her.
Just like the true understanding that, when maximizing whole foods and minimizing processed foods for nutrition, my body operates much better, I am finding that, when I utilize naturally-derived products, they work so much better. In addition, just the fact that I have reduced the use of fake scents almost totally from my day-to-day life makes me so much more intolerant to them when I am exposed - not unlike when I start eating a lot of sugar or junk in my diet. The process of making these changes helps me see and understand - through how my body reacts to them when not exposed for a while - that these truly are toxic to me. Interesting concept.
So..although I am bleh about the gym (and honestly, about nutrition) right now, I am not bleh about everything. Now I have more things to add to the Products I Love page!
Happy holidays to all!
Julie
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Working on mass building...
Although I pulled the plug and didn't compete for my show this season, I did realize in the process that I need to do one of two things...either train differently to compete in WPD or kick it up in the off season and go for BB. As a result, I am kicking it up and going for BB in the spring. Or at least that is the plan for now...and plans are always subject to change.
The judging for WPD was all over the map early on, but in the last year it appears that they have worked hard to make it more consistent. And they consistently reward women who are figure + - sometimes even awarding top places to women who have very little muscle over women who are more muscular (at least as far as I can see). And although I did not get down anywhere near where I needed to be to compete during my 18 weeks of prep (I did have a really unrealistic idea of how that was going to turn out...lol), I did realize I carry a lot of muscle. Likely a lot more muscle than would be rewarded in WPD.
Add in that I have to have a goal in the gym to stay on task...
Otherwise I bounce around, doing whatever, basically allowing myself to do everything half-assed - or not at all (truth be told! LMAO!)...
And I finally settled on going through a full mass building cycle. Here is how the training split goes:
Weeks 1-3
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
So, for this week thus far, my workouts looked like this:
Monday:
Cable Lat Pulldown:
120x10
130x8
140x6
120x10
T Bar Row:
115x10
135x8
160x4 (a bit ambitious...lol)
135x2
115x10
Barbell Bench Press:
115x10
125x8
135x5 (burned out on that last one)
115x10
EZ Bar Curls:
55x10
60x8
60x6
55x10
Concentration Curls:
25x10
30x8
30x6
25x10
Hammer Strength Calf Machine (press - plated):
180x15
230x15
230x12
20 minutes on elyptical
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday:
Incline Dumbbell Press:
35x10
45x8
50x6
40x10
Incline Dumbbell Flyes:
20x10
25x8
30x6
20x10
Pendlay Rows (Smith Machine):
55x10
65x8
75x6
55x10
Tricep Dips (assisted machine):
-80lbx10
-65lbx8
-50lbx6
-80lbx10
V Bar Cable Pressdowns:
35x10
50x8
57.5x6
42.5x10
Dumbbell Curls (standing):
20x10
25x8
30x6
20x10
Abs:
Crunch machine (upright): 30 reps + 10lb
Ceiling Stompers (decline bench): 10 reps x 3
25 minutes on elyptical
Feel good so far. I haven't done barbell flat bench press in a while, as no matter how I change my form, I manage to tweak my shoulder. I felt good on it this week, although a bit weaker than I would like to be (mostly because I don't have a spot - or that's what I am telling myself). I am happy to be back on task and feel a sense of direction again. :)
After the first three weeks, this is what my splits will look like. When I was in competition mode, I was cycling between weeks 1-3 and 4-6, but never did weeks 7-9 because I was on too much of a caloric deficit. As a result, I am super excited to get to weeks 7-9! :)
Weeks 4-6
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 8, 6, 4, 8 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 8,6,4,8 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10,8,6,10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 8,6,4,8 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps (I'll do a press with a 8,6,4,8 split for one exercise)
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Weeks 7-9
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 5 sets with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 5 sets with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps (I'll do a press with a 6,4,4,4,6 split for one exercise)
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
The judging for WPD was all over the map early on, but in the last year it appears that they have worked hard to make it more consistent. And they consistently reward women who are figure + - sometimes even awarding top places to women who have very little muscle over women who are more muscular (at least as far as I can see). And although I did not get down anywhere near where I needed to be to compete during my 18 weeks of prep (I did have a really unrealistic idea of how that was going to turn out...lol), I did realize I carry a lot of muscle. Likely a lot more muscle than would be rewarded in WPD.
Add in that I have to have a goal in the gym to stay on task...
Otherwise I bounce around, doing whatever, basically allowing myself to do everything half-assed - or not at all (truth be told! LMAO!)...
And I finally settled on going through a full mass building cycle. Here is how the training split goes:
Weeks 1-3
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
So, for this week thus far, my workouts looked like this:
Monday:
Cable Lat Pulldown:
120x10
130x8
140x6
120x10
T Bar Row:
115x10
135x8
160x4 (a bit ambitious...lol)
135x2
115x10
Barbell Bench Press:
115x10
125x8
135x5 (burned out on that last one)
115x10
EZ Bar Curls:
55x10
60x8
60x6
55x10
Concentration Curls:
25x10
30x8
30x6
25x10
Hammer Strength Calf Machine (press - plated):
180x15
230x15
230x12
20 minutes on elyptical
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday:
Incline Dumbbell Press:
35x10
45x8
50x6
40x10
Incline Dumbbell Flyes:
20x10
25x8
30x6
20x10
Pendlay Rows (Smith Machine):
55x10
65x8
75x6
55x10
Tricep Dips (assisted machine):
-80lbx10
-65lbx8
-50lbx6
-80lbx10
V Bar Cable Pressdowns:
35x10
50x8
57.5x6
42.5x10
Dumbbell Curls (standing):
20x10
25x8
30x6
20x10
Abs:
Crunch machine (upright): 30 reps + 10lb
Ceiling Stompers (decline bench): 10 reps x 3
25 minutes on elyptical
Feel good so far. I haven't done barbell flat bench press in a while, as no matter how I change my form, I manage to tweak my shoulder. I felt good on it this week, although a bit weaker than I would like to be (mostly because I don't have a spot - or that's what I am telling myself). I am happy to be back on task and feel a sense of direction again. :)
After the first three weeks, this is what my splits will look like. When I was in competition mode, I was cycling between weeks 1-3 and 4-6, but never did weeks 7-9 because I was on too much of a caloric deficit. As a result, I am super excited to get to weeks 7-9! :)
Weeks 4-6
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 8, 6, 4, 8 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 8,6,4,8 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10,8,6,10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 8,6,4,8 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps (I'll do a press with a 8,6,4,8 split for one exercise)
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 8,6,4,8 reps
Weeks 7-9
Monday:
Back - 2 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Chest - 1 exercise, 5 sets with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Biceps - 2 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Tri - 1 exercise, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Calves - 3 sets of 12-15 reps
Tuesday: Off/Cardio
Wednesday:
Chest - 2 exercise, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Back - 1 exercises, 5 sets with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Tri - 2 exercise, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Biceps - 1 exercises, 4 sets with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps
Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Thursday: Off/Cardio
Friday:
Quads - 4 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Abs - Abs - 3 sets of 30 reps
Saturday: Off/Cardio
Sunday:
Shoulders: 3 exercises, 4 sets each with 10, 8, 6, 10 reps (I'll do a press with a 6,4,4,4,6 split for one exercise)
Hamstrings: 2 exercises, 5 sets each with 6,4,4,4,6 reps
Thursday, October 18, 2012
4 years smoke free!
I started smoking when I was 12. Yes, 12. Craziness, I know. By the time I was 16 I was smoking a pack a day. That frequency went up deramatically during my drinking and drugging years, and settled back to about a pack a day when I got sober. It stayed that way until October 13, 2008 - my quit date.
Was it steelish self-will? A desire to be healthy for myself, for my loved ones? Was I just sick and tired of it all? Yes, yes and yes. But this, in and of itself, was not enough. But let me back up for a moment...and tell the story of how this all came about...
It was October 11, 2008. JP and I were in Edisto. We were riding down the road and I lit a cigarette and mused out loud that I thought I might set a quit date. He sarcastically replied, "When, in 2011?" I had my own sarcastic reply..."How about when I finish this pack, a$$hole!?" It sounds so contentious, but it was joking, ribbing sarcasm, as JP and I aren't mean to one another. And anyone who knows us, who knows our banter, can probably imagine how that conversation went. This was a Saturday and we were heading back from picking up a pack at the store, so I had a pack to finish. I was joking, but the statement planted a seed that grew. What IF? What if I did quit after that pack?
Let's back up a little more...
I first started quitting smoking in 2003. A previous relationship with someone who hated my smoking. Every two weeks we would make a deal that I would quit smoking if he would quit dipping. Neither one of us ever stuck to our end of the bargain. I tried gum. I tried patches. From the time I would put the cigarettes down I would obsess. I couldn't think about anything else but trying not to smoke, wanting to have just one, or obsess over watching other people smoke. The most I lasted then was 2 weeks and picking up a cigarette was a relief every time. I had a genuine desire to not smoke. But my genuine desire wasn't enough. Neither was the criticism and dislike of my then-partner. I knew I could lose my relationship over being a smoker (although, in my defense, he did know I was a smoker from the first date and thought he could change me...my first real sign that the relationship was doomed before it began). The obsession won out. I didn't want to be a smoker. But the obsession won out. An obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. And the obsession won every single time.
Fast forward to 2008. I am back in the gym (after a hiatus from about 2004 on). Lumbering through workouts because I can't breathe. JP was very supportive. He expressed that he didn't like my smoking, but knew that I was a smoker when he started dating me and wasn't going to try to change me. I had thought about quitting but had no real desire to, although I was motivated to think about it when I was working out. My mom was a smoker, so no pressure there. My dad was a smoker, so no pressure there. Most of my friends were smokers, so no pressure there (save for my roommate, who hated it when I smoked in the car). I guess I am saying all of this to say that the thought I mused out loud on October 11, 2008, did not come from a place of outside pressure - or even a place of more than passing internal reflection. That one thought became an obsession of it's own. Instead of wanting to quit and obsessing over smoking...the thought of quitting fleetingly crossed my mind and grew to take hold over the desire to continue smoking. We were on a weekend trip with some friends and would be staying through Sunday night. I had one pack left and I stretched it through the rest of the time we were in Edisto. I had my last cigarette at around 11pm on Octotber 12, 2011.
I had moments where I struggled in the beginning. I called JP a lot for support. I had a comparison point, though, and this time was WAY different than when I had tried to quit before. Even from the first day, the obsession would hit periodically, but it would often pass quickly. I stated above that I have steelish self-will. Anyone who has been locked in a debate with me can attest to this. Lol. Seriously, though...self-will holds no power when the brain is hijacked the way it is in the case of addictions, especially with nicotine. If you are confused by this statement, then go back and read the paragraph that starts with me talking about first starting to quit in 2003. The self will is powerless in in the face of an obsession that crowds out all other thoughts. But there was peace. Despite the fact that I had no pressure, no real desire, no circumstances that made wanting or needing to quit an imminent thought...
I give credit to my Higher Power. The one thing that always gave me perfect peace and set my mind at ease during the month or two following my last cigarette was something JP shared with me about when he quit smoking. He said that he saw quitting as a contract between him and God. He knew God would honor his desire to quit by removing the obsession, but He could only do this if he didn't put the substance in his body. Of course, I had experience with this...seeing as I was 10 years sober when I quit smoking...but having JP say it to me and remind me of it gave me such peace and comfort. It wasn't a replacement thought. There was no struggle. There was just peace.
And today, I can't even remember what it was like to be a smoker. I can't recall what it was like to hold a cigarette, to light it, to draw that first drag off of it. It's funny...there is a little anxiety that happens when I write it out that graphically. There is something in my brain that remembers, but it's nothing like the euphoric recall that happens when I describe what a drink or what cocaine felt like. I literally can't remember what it was like to smoke, even though I smoked for 20 years (yup....started at 12, quit at 32...scary isn't it?). That is grace, plain and simple. And I am grateful for it.
Was it steelish self-will? A desire to be healthy for myself, for my loved ones? Was I just sick and tired of it all? Yes, yes and yes. But this, in and of itself, was not enough. But let me back up for a moment...and tell the story of how this all came about...
It was October 11, 2008. JP and I were in Edisto. We were riding down the road and I lit a cigarette and mused out loud that I thought I might set a quit date. He sarcastically replied, "When, in 2011?" I had my own sarcastic reply..."How about when I finish this pack, a$$hole!?" It sounds so contentious, but it was joking, ribbing sarcasm, as JP and I aren't mean to one another. And anyone who knows us, who knows our banter, can probably imagine how that conversation went. This was a Saturday and we were heading back from picking up a pack at the store, so I had a pack to finish. I was joking, but the statement planted a seed that grew. What IF? What if I did quit after that pack?
Let's back up a little more...
I first started quitting smoking in 2003. A previous relationship with someone who hated my smoking. Every two weeks we would make a deal that I would quit smoking if he would quit dipping. Neither one of us ever stuck to our end of the bargain. I tried gum. I tried patches. From the time I would put the cigarettes down I would obsess. I couldn't think about anything else but trying not to smoke, wanting to have just one, or obsess over watching other people smoke. The most I lasted then was 2 weeks and picking up a cigarette was a relief every time. I had a genuine desire to not smoke. But my genuine desire wasn't enough. Neither was the criticism and dislike of my then-partner. I knew I could lose my relationship over being a smoker (although, in my defense, he did know I was a smoker from the first date and thought he could change me...my first real sign that the relationship was doomed before it began). The obsession won out. I didn't want to be a smoker. But the obsession won out. An obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. And the obsession won every single time.
Fast forward to 2008. I am back in the gym (after a hiatus from about 2004 on). Lumbering through workouts because I can't breathe. JP was very supportive. He expressed that he didn't like my smoking, but knew that I was a smoker when he started dating me and wasn't going to try to change me. I had thought about quitting but had no real desire to, although I was motivated to think about it when I was working out. My mom was a smoker, so no pressure there. My dad was a smoker, so no pressure there. Most of my friends were smokers, so no pressure there (save for my roommate, who hated it when I smoked in the car). I guess I am saying all of this to say that the thought I mused out loud on October 11, 2008, did not come from a place of outside pressure - or even a place of more than passing internal reflection. That one thought became an obsession of it's own. Instead of wanting to quit and obsessing over smoking...the thought of quitting fleetingly crossed my mind and grew to take hold over the desire to continue smoking. We were on a weekend trip with some friends and would be staying through Sunday night. I had one pack left and I stretched it through the rest of the time we were in Edisto. I had my last cigarette at around 11pm on Octotber 12, 2011.
I had moments where I struggled in the beginning. I called JP a lot for support. I had a comparison point, though, and this time was WAY different than when I had tried to quit before. Even from the first day, the obsession would hit periodically, but it would often pass quickly. I stated above that I have steelish self-will. Anyone who has been locked in a debate with me can attest to this. Lol. Seriously, though...self-will holds no power when the brain is hijacked the way it is in the case of addictions, especially with nicotine. If you are confused by this statement, then go back and read the paragraph that starts with me talking about first starting to quit in 2003. The self will is powerless in in the face of an obsession that crowds out all other thoughts. But there was peace. Despite the fact that I had no pressure, no real desire, no circumstances that made wanting or needing to quit an imminent thought...
I give credit to my Higher Power. The one thing that always gave me perfect peace and set my mind at ease during the month or two following my last cigarette was something JP shared with me about when he quit smoking. He said that he saw quitting as a contract between him and God. He knew God would honor his desire to quit by removing the obsession, but He could only do this if he didn't put the substance in his body. Of course, I had experience with this...seeing as I was 10 years sober when I quit smoking...but having JP say it to me and remind me of it gave me such peace and comfort. It wasn't a replacement thought. There was no struggle. There was just peace.
And today, I can't even remember what it was like to be a smoker. I can't recall what it was like to hold a cigarette, to light it, to draw that first drag off of it. It's funny...there is a little anxiety that happens when I write it out that graphically. There is something in my brain that remembers, but it's nothing like the euphoric recall that happens when I describe what a drink or what cocaine felt like. I literally can't remember what it was like to smoke, even though I smoked for 20 years (yup....started at 12, quit at 32...scary isn't it?). That is grace, plain and simple. And I am grateful for it.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Ahhhhh....the comfort of Paleo...
When not in prep mode, our preferential way of eating is Paleo, so we have been getting back to that way of prepping and eating food. One of things I love about Paleo is all of the great recipes! This past Sunday was my first day back to prepping a week full-on Paleo. The last two weeks we did Paleo chili and Paleo jambalaya for some of our meals (two of my faves, especially when it starts cooling down). Sunday I prepped an old favorite - good old fashioned BBQ - as well as trying three new recipes - nutty meat loaf, Paleo crispy orange chicken and jalapeno glazed chicken.
The BBQ is so easy, it's ridiculous to pay for it anywhere. I cooked an 8 pound Boston butt in 1 cup apple cider vinegar (starts out sweet but this gives it a real kick once it's cooked all the way), red pepper flakes, garlic and sea salt. Throw it all in the crock pot and cook on low for 8 hours. Except...it actually took about 12 hours...but whose counting! Lol. It turned out great, although I usually like it a little more spicy then it came out.
The orange chicken recipe I is supposed to have coconut flour for the frying base, but I didn't have any, so I substituted flax meal instead. That is good and bad. The flax meal turned dark when frying (in coconut oil), so it looks like burned chunks of chicken rather than what you normally see. One advantage to cooking Paleo is that you realize that Paleo-adapted food rarely looks like their non-Paleo versions. The sauce turned out great and it tasted good. I am looking forward to doing it with the coconut flour next time, as the flax meal is a little thick and it has an earthy taste.
The nutty meatloaf really wasn't a stretch from regular meatloaf, so I knew that would turn out ok. At the end of the day you can substitute a variety of things for the bread crumbs normally used in meatloaf - in this case I used....tada!...flax meal! It turned out really good. I think I'll try almond meal or almonds/walnuts that I put through the food processor next time, along with flax seeds.
With any cooking, there are recipes that turn out good and there are recipes that turn out...not so good. The recipe disaster of the day this past Sunday was the jalepeno glazed chicken. The recipe started out so nicely, but my first clue that things were not going to turn out as planned was when the "glaze" didn't thicken in a glaze. It was still very runny, even after simmering for a LONG time. As a result, I proceeded with putting that on the chicken and putting it in the oven. Bad idea. I set the timer and went about my business. JP was the one who went to take it out, and all I saw when I turned the corner to the kitchen was smoke billowing out of the oven. What was supposed to be delicious jalepeno glazed chicken turned out to be...burnt to a crisp chicken. JP was really excited about that one, though, so I may try to tweak that recipe in the coming weeks to see if I can make it work.
The last thing I made this past weekend was on a whim. We went to an apple farm while we were in the mountains a few weekends ago and we bought a bushel of apples. We still have a whole half of the bag left and they are starting to go bad, so I simmered sliced apples in water and cinnamon, ran them through the big daddy blender and we now have homemade apple sauce!
All and all, our first weekend back cooking full Paleo was a success. One advantage to eating Paleo is that, since I started my competition prep Easter weekend, there are 10 times as many recipes online, so I have an endless amount of Paleo recipes to try! And it breaks up the monotony of paring macros, which just gets boring after a while. :)
We are super slammed, so I don't even have the chance to be regular with my gym schedule - some weeks I am able to make it twice and others five times. My strength is good. My endurance is good. I am happy with just going with the flow, and anticipate that I will sit down at the end of this month and actually write out specific goals so I can get back on track with really working in the gym. I anticipate that I have about 4-5 months of "off season" to go until I start competition prep for the spring (depending on what show I decide to do), so it is about time to get back on track with setting goals and being disciplined in the gym. Woohoo!
That is about it to report for now. As I get more structured, I am sure I will have a desire to write more frequently!
The BBQ is so easy, it's ridiculous to pay for it anywhere. I cooked an 8 pound Boston butt in 1 cup apple cider vinegar (starts out sweet but this gives it a real kick once it's cooked all the way), red pepper flakes, garlic and sea salt. Throw it all in the crock pot and cook on low for 8 hours. Except...it actually took about 12 hours...but whose counting! Lol. It turned out great, although I usually like it a little more spicy then it came out.
The orange chicken recipe I is supposed to have coconut flour for the frying base, but I didn't have any, so I substituted flax meal instead. That is good and bad. The flax meal turned dark when frying (in coconut oil), so it looks like burned chunks of chicken rather than what you normally see. One advantage to cooking Paleo is that you realize that Paleo-adapted food rarely looks like their non-Paleo versions. The sauce turned out great and it tasted good. I am looking forward to doing it with the coconut flour next time, as the flax meal is a little thick and it has an earthy taste.
The nutty meatloaf really wasn't a stretch from regular meatloaf, so I knew that would turn out ok. At the end of the day you can substitute a variety of things for the bread crumbs normally used in meatloaf - in this case I used....tada!...flax meal! It turned out really good. I think I'll try almond meal or almonds/walnuts that I put through the food processor next time, along with flax seeds.
With any cooking, there are recipes that turn out good and there are recipes that turn out...not so good. The recipe disaster of the day this past Sunday was the jalepeno glazed chicken. The recipe started out so nicely, but my first clue that things were not going to turn out as planned was when the "glaze" didn't thicken in a glaze. It was still very runny, even after simmering for a LONG time. As a result, I proceeded with putting that on the chicken and putting it in the oven. Bad idea. I set the timer and went about my business. JP was the one who went to take it out, and all I saw when I turned the corner to the kitchen was smoke billowing out of the oven. What was supposed to be delicious jalepeno glazed chicken turned out to be...burnt to a crisp chicken. JP was really excited about that one, though, so I may try to tweak that recipe in the coming weeks to see if I can make it work.
The last thing I made this past weekend was on a whim. We went to an apple farm while we were in the mountains a few weekends ago and we bought a bushel of apples. We still have a whole half of the bag left and they are starting to go bad, so I simmered sliced apples in water and cinnamon, ran them through the big daddy blender and we now have homemade apple sauce!
All and all, our first weekend back cooking full Paleo was a success. One advantage to eating Paleo is that, since I started my competition prep Easter weekend, there are 10 times as many recipes online, so I have an endless amount of Paleo recipes to try! And it breaks up the monotony of paring macros, which just gets boring after a while. :)
We are super slammed, so I don't even have the chance to be regular with my gym schedule - some weeks I am able to make it twice and others five times. My strength is good. My endurance is good. I am happy with just going with the flow, and anticipate that I will sit down at the end of this month and actually write out specific goals so I can get back on track with really working in the gym. I anticipate that I have about 4-5 months of "off season" to go until I start competition prep for the spring (depending on what show I decide to do), so it is about time to get back on track with setting goals and being disciplined in the gym. Woohoo!
That is about it to report for now. As I get more structured, I am sure I will have a desire to write more frequently!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Yeah...yeah...yeah...
It's funny, I have seen a number of friends who blog fall off the map when they are not in competition prep mode. I am seeing that this is me, too. I am back to eating clean most of the time. Ok...we had Oreos last night, but I am just over being super rigid for a while. I am working out about 4 days per week, which is enough to keep me motivated, but also enough to allow me to do other things in the afternoons sometimes. We have been out of town a lot, which disrupts both our normal eating and our normal workout schedule, but after months of being hyper-disciplined, it is really nice to just go with it.
Last week and this week, I have been doing pyramid sets I start out with a low weight and add 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I go to failure at a weight, usually sticking at 8 reps, and then dropping down by 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I am stripped of all weight. For example, on chest day, I did incline press for bar (45lb) x 10, then added 5lbs per side for: 55x10, 65x10, 75x10, 85x10, 95x10, 105x8, and then back down - 95x10, 85x10, 75x10, 65x10, 55x10 and 45x10. I was happy to get up to 105 with that many sets/reps, and you get to the end and that bar feels like a million pounds. Normally 95 pounds is my starting weight for incline, just to give an idea of what I normally do. I did the same yesterday for seated military press, starting with the bar and adding weight, but I burned out at 95x8. It's ok, though, because my shoulders were blown up.
Another thing I have been doing is plyometrics at the end of my workout rather than traditional cardio. I can see a difference in my conditioning and I am able to do plyos for longer periods of time without stopping or without falling over/losing balance/etc.
Nothing new otherwise! :)
Last week and this week, I have been doing pyramid sets I start out with a low weight and add 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I go to failure at a weight, usually sticking at 8 reps, and then dropping down by 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I am stripped of all weight. For example, on chest day, I did incline press for bar (45lb) x 10, then added 5lbs per side for: 55x10, 65x10, 75x10, 85x10, 95x10, 105x8, and then back down - 95x10, 85x10, 75x10, 65x10, 55x10 and 45x10. I was happy to get up to 105 with that many sets/reps, and you get to the end and that bar feels like a million pounds. Normally 95 pounds is my starting weight for incline, just to give an idea of what I normally do. I did the same yesterday for seated military press, starting with the bar and adding weight, but I burned out at 95x8. It's ok, though, because my shoulders were blown up.
Another thing I have been doing is plyometrics at the end of my workout rather than traditional cardio. I can see a difference in my conditioning and I am able to do plyos for longer periods of time without stopping or without falling over/losing balance/etc.
Nothing new otherwise! :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
More about the apple and tree and all...
Ok. Before I elaborate on the apple and tree reference, I will give a quick update on me. Which is that there really is nothing exciting to relate. Although I did not compete, I experienced all of the things that people who do compete experience - such as gym burnout, making a LOT of cheating exceptions in diet, and so forth. I have put about 5-8 pounds back on...mostly water and all, as I went from being somewhat flattened out to full again. I have been to the gym a couple of times a week, but have only done low/moderate intensity cardio once. I have done high intensity cardio a few times a week, even at home, as it keeps me from feeling like a slug. I introduced a pre-workout back into my routine, as I was feeling like a slug while lifting, and that somehow gives me a boost. I think it's more psychological than anything, but hey, I will do what works. My strength has been going back up and I changed up my training.
I realized pretty quickly that I need something new, so JP and I trained with a strength coach this weekend who trains Olympic lifters around the world. That was fun. I have not done true Olympic lifting since high school, so I really enjoyed it. It was really more of a fundamentals session, getting the basic mechanics of the lifts, but I had fun and we have decided to do this on Saturdays when we are home. It was interesting, how years can make a difference in muscle memory. When I was in high school, I went to a school where we did mostly Olympic lifts to prep for sports, and Olympic lifting was the first thing I ever did. I used to love it. And I realized a couple of months ago when I tried to practice a snatch with just a bar that I didn't even have the fundamentals anymore. So doing this is refreshing this for me, and although I picked it up a little quicker than JP (probably because I am much closer to the ground than he is...lol), none of it felt familiar in anyway. I was having to focus very hard on relaxing the shoulders, turning the knuckles down, turning the elbows out, exploding through the legs and popping with the hips, and keeping on my heels. And this was with a 8 pound training bar! Lol. It was nice to change it up, and my brain turned on.
I'll be working the show I was going to compete in this weekend, and that usually fires me back up, too.
So...on to the apple and tree...
Jenna doing her front double bicep pose...
I realized pretty quickly that I need something new, so JP and I trained with a strength coach this weekend who trains Olympic lifters around the world. That was fun. I have not done true Olympic lifting since high school, so I really enjoyed it. It was really more of a fundamentals session, getting the basic mechanics of the lifts, but I had fun and we have decided to do this on Saturdays when we are home. It was interesting, how years can make a difference in muscle memory. When I was in high school, I went to a school where we did mostly Olympic lifts to prep for sports, and Olympic lifting was the first thing I ever did. I used to love it. And I realized a couple of months ago when I tried to practice a snatch with just a bar that I didn't even have the fundamentals anymore. So doing this is refreshing this for me, and although I picked it up a little quicker than JP (probably because I am much closer to the ground than he is...lol), none of it felt familiar in anyway. I was having to focus very hard on relaxing the shoulders, turning the knuckles down, turning the elbows out, exploding through the legs and popping with the hips, and keeping on my heels. And this was with a 8 pound training bar! Lol. It was nice to change it up, and my brain turned on.
I'll be working the show I was going to compete in this weekend, and that usually fires me back up, too.
So...on to the apple and tree...
Jenna doing her front double bicep pose...
If you ask her to show her biceop pose, she will do one arm and say, "Boom!"
Also, Jenna loves to mimick Daddy and his at home workouts. Here is another video of her "doing" pull ups and push ups. In this first video, most of the time she is hanging is her holding her own bodyweight...
:)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Apple and tree and all...
Last night as I was walking through our doorway that has our pull up bar on it, Jenna reached up like she wanted to pull up. I pushed her up and the mimicked doing pull ups like she sees us doing. At the end, I loosened up my grip, and she hung on the bar holding her own weight. JP and I were really surprised that she was able to do this. Later in the evening, when we were coming out to say goodnight to Daddy, she grabbed at the pull up bar again, and here is the video of her doing it - only this time, she pulls herself up for one on her own (you can hear JP say, "Oh my gosh" right after)....
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Back to life...
Back to reality...
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Pulling the plug...
Have you ever known you needed to make a decision, but wanted to wait to make sure it's the decision you needed to make? Well, that is the way I have been feeling about this show. Yesterday I made the final decision to pull the plug on it and not do it. And I found peace in the decision.
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
Monday, August 13, 2012
H-A-L-T
In the recovering community, we have a saying - dont' let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I find this is totally applicable to competition prep, too.
I wrote yesterday's post from my iPhone, as we traveled home from a funeral in New Jersey. We left Thursday afternoon, drive 6 hours to Richmond, Va, where we stayed the night in a hotel. We were back up first thing Firday, did the remaining 6 hours (which took 8 with traffic) to Bordentown, NJ, where we did a whirlwind of family visitation, funeral, luncheon and just a small bit of down time with family. Sunday morning we hit the road at 7:30am - and pulled in the driveway at 9:45pm. A looooooooooong day for sure. As a result, I am beyond exhasuted at the moment. And it's a hollow day to boot.
So, although I am not lonely or angry (ok...a little grumpy from being exhausted...), I am extremely exhausted. Tired for me is the key. If I am tired, then my perception gets skewed in every way, setting the stage for the other three offenders to make an appearance. Hungry works the same for me, seeing as I am hypoglycemic. Reality is that I only feel hungry, not that I actually am hungry. I can at least still make that distinction in my sleepy haze.
This too shall pass. First things first. The only way to it is through it. I am finding myself thinking these things, and I feel a bit like a newcomer again. Wait! I am a newcomer. Not in the sobriety sense, but definitely in the competition prep sense. I have helped others along in their prep. I have attended shows. I have helped expedite shows. But I have never comepeted myself or completed competition prep before now. As a result, I do have a set of tools I can use in this situation - a solution - now that I have my problem properly identified (that I am a newcomer - that I am powerless over my fatigue, over my feeling of hunger, over the nuances that divert my attention from the goal).
Easy Does It. I have to take it easy on myself. I did just go on a whirlwind trip and I am legitimately exhausted. I will get rest tonight, when I have completed my commitments for the day.
First Things First. I can only do what is right in front of me. No point in rehashing even five minutes ago and it's just not possible to be anywhere in the future, so now is all I have. It is my reality. In the moment, all of my wants and needs are met (except for sleep, but I can survive the day).
This Too Shall Pass. And it shall. My fatigue can be managed by getting appropriate sleep tonight. My hunger can be managed by realizing that I am not legitimately hungry - as I just ate 3 ounces of broccoli, 5 ounces of egg whites, a boiled egg and an ounce of oatmeal. My brain is still humming from being lit up by the sight and smell of all of the funeral food this weekend, but that, too, will pass. Most likely as soon as I get some sleep. And either way, I am eating enough and I am nourished.
One Day At A Time. That is the only way to get through anything. When I project my brain to 26 days from now, everything seems unmanageable. When I focus on the day at hand, it's all very manageable. And realistic. And satsifying.
The Only Way To It is Through It. Setting goals and working toward them are a process of delayed gratification. All good things come through work. Through working for the goal, I get a sense of satisfaction, pride and accomplishment that just doesn't happen with instant gratification. Instant gratification is what got me to the place where I was unrecognizable. Delayed gratification has gotten me here, recapturing the self I lost in the process of instant gratification. Also, instant gratification is a mirage....as soon as you have it, it dissapates - leaving in it's wake a desire for more. The greatest way to combat this is through good, old-fashioned hard work.
Think...Think...Think. The one thing that kep me grounded this weekend was the thought that I did not want to ruin 17 weeks of competition prep - especially since I am now only 4 weeks out. There are moments when thinking it through is not a useful tool (that is the nature of an obsessive thought - it crowds out all other thoughts - even rational ones), but I was able to keep grounded in reality enough to know that eating outside of my diet at this point would honestly negate all of the hard work I have done so far.
Live And Let Live. The family was very supportive, which made it all a lot easier. Funny how many people don't understand, but they kept going on, and no one gave a second thought to the fact that I was eating my own food - even at the restaurant after the funeral. This may sound like a small thing, but having people focus in on everything actually makes it harder, not easier. In the end, I have to do what I have to do. JP was there with me, and he is always the voice of reason for me. Ok...most of the time he is the voice of reason. He did have a "Honey, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do..." moment, but after asking him not to do that, he became his usual self - outlining all of the ways I would regret the decision to eat outside of my diet.
...But For the Grace of God... Interestingly, I have stayed away from talking about this as a spiritual process, but it truly is a spiritual process to discipline yourself to a goal and stick with it. It is a letting go of self - of your perception of what you think you want in a moment - of instant gratification... It is a process of faith - proceeding even though you don't know what the outcome will be, and accepting that your part is the footwork. And being content with the footwork. Just typing this paragraph brings me peace. So, yeah...this is a spiritual process for sure.
Funny how this works. I started this post feeling frustrated, tired and hungry. Like a gratitude list in action, this post has provided for me exactly what I needed in this moment, as I all the sudden feel rejuvenated, grateful and content. I can't even think of a great way to wrap this one up...I am just going to say that I am signing off with a new attitude and a smile on my face (and in my heart).
I wrote yesterday's post from my iPhone, as we traveled home from a funeral in New Jersey. We left Thursday afternoon, drive 6 hours to Richmond, Va, where we stayed the night in a hotel. We were back up first thing Firday, did the remaining 6 hours (which took 8 with traffic) to Bordentown, NJ, where we did a whirlwind of family visitation, funeral, luncheon and just a small bit of down time with family. Sunday morning we hit the road at 7:30am - and pulled in the driveway at 9:45pm. A looooooooooong day for sure. As a result, I am beyond exhasuted at the moment. And it's a hollow day to boot.
So, although I am not lonely or angry (ok...a little grumpy from being exhausted...), I am extremely exhausted. Tired for me is the key. If I am tired, then my perception gets skewed in every way, setting the stage for the other three offenders to make an appearance. Hungry works the same for me, seeing as I am hypoglycemic. Reality is that I only feel hungry, not that I actually am hungry. I can at least still make that distinction in my sleepy haze.
This too shall pass. First things first. The only way to it is through it. I am finding myself thinking these things, and I feel a bit like a newcomer again. Wait! I am a newcomer. Not in the sobriety sense, but definitely in the competition prep sense. I have helped others along in their prep. I have attended shows. I have helped expedite shows. But I have never comepeted myself or completed competition prep before now. As a result, I do have a set of tools I can use in this situation - a solution - now that I have my problem properly identified (that I am a newcomer - that I am powerless over my fatigue, over my feeling of hunger, over the nuances that divert my attention from the goal).
Easy Does It. I have to take it easy on myself. I did just go on a whirlwind trip and I am legitimately exhausted. I will get rest tonight, when I have completed my commitments for the day.
First Things First. I can only do what is right in front of me. No point in rehashing even five minutes ago and it's just not possible to be anywhere in the future, so now is all I have. It is my reality. In the moment, all of my wants and needs are met (except for sleep, but I can survive the day).
This Too Shall Pass. And it shall. My fatigue can be managed by getting appropriate sleep tonight. My hunger can be managed by realizing that I am not legitimately hungry - as I just ate 3 ounces of broccoli, 5 ounces of egg whites, a boiled egg and an ounce of oatmeal. My brain is still humming from being lit up by the sight and smell of all of the funeral food this weekend, but that, too, will pass. Most likely as soon as I get some sleep. And either way, I am eating enough and I am nourished.
One Day At A Time. That is the only way to get through anything. When I project my brain to 26 days from now, everything seems unmanageable. When I focus on the day at hand, it's all very manageable. And realistic. And satsifying.
The Only Way To It is Through It. Setting goals and working toward them are a process of delayed gratification. All good things come through work. Through working for the goal, I get a sense of satisfaction, pride and accomplishment that just doesn't happen with instant gratification. Instant gratification is what got me to the place where I was unrecognizable. Delayed gratification has gotten me here, recapturing the self I lost in the process of instant gratification. Also, instant gratification is a mirage....as soon as you have it, it dissapates - leaving in it's wake a desire for more. The greatest way to combat this is through good, old-fashioned hard work.
Think...Think...Think. The one thing that kep me grounded this weekend was the thought that I did not want to ruin 17 weeks of competition prep - especially since I am now only 4 weeks out. There are moments when thinking it through is not a useful tool (that is the nature of an obsessive thought - it crowds out all other thoughts - even rational ones), but I was able to keep grounded in reality enough to know that eating outside of my diet at this point would honestly negate all of the hard work I have done so far.
Live And Let Live. The family was very supportive, which made it all a lot easier. Funny how many people don't understand, but they kept going on, and no one gave a second thought to the fact that I was eating my own food - even at the restaurant after the funeral. This may sound like a small thing, but having people focus in on everything actually makes it harder, not easier. In the end, I have to do what I have to do. JP was there with me, and he is always the voice of reason for me. Ok...most of the time he is the voice of reason. He did have a "Honey, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do..." moment, but after asking him not to do that, he became his usual self - outlining all of the ways I would regret the decision to eat outside of my diet.
...But For the Grace of God... Interestingly, I have stayed away from talking about this as a spiritual process, but it truly is a spiritual process to discipline yourself to a goal and stick with it. It is a letting go of self - of your perception of what you think you want in a moment - of instant gratification... It is a process of faith - proceeding even though you don't know what the outcome will be, and accepting that your part is the footwork. And being content with the footwork. Just typing this paragraph brings me peace. So, yeah...this is a spiritual process for sure.
Funny how this works. I started this post feeling frustrated, tired and hungry. Like a gratitude list in action, this post has provided for me exactly what I needed in this moment, as I all the sudden feel rejuvenated, grateful and content. I can't even think of a great way to wrap this one up...I am just going to say that I am signing off with a new attitude and a smile on my face (and in my heart).
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A rough weekend for sure, but now 3 weeks and 6 days out!
Yes, 3 weeks and 6 days or 27 total days before go time...
Driving long distances is rough, even in the best of circumstances. Driving long distances with an 18 month old is even rougher, even in the best of circumstances. Throw in the fact that I am in the final stretch of my competition prep, and we have traveled to and are on our way home from a funeral - where there has been TONS of yummy looking and smelling food - and it's pure torture.
That's right - pure torture. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday. As the rest of the family ate their chicken parm, pizza, fried potatoes, chocolate, and Tasty Kakes, I just about cracked. I even texted my coach, asking if I could have 1 piece of pizza, and then telling him what torture it was. His response? "Deal with it." Yeah, thanks.
As I went to bed last night, I was frustrated, pissed off. This was this first time I have really struggledlike this. In that moment, I could see why people say actually competing separates bodybuilders from weight lifters. In the interest of being honest during this process, the following are all things I struggled with while on this trip:
1. I really wanted to have a full-on coffee - or at the least, a coffee with some sweetener in it. Black iced coffee and coffee from truck stops just sucks when on the road. And when I'm on the road for 10+ hours, there is no way I am making the trip without some form of caffeine - and black coffee is my option right now.
2. With all of that crappy black coffee, I really wanted a piece of gum for my black coffee breath. Alas, no gum - or mints - for me.
3. Eating is a family culture. When you don't eat what everyone else is eating, it changes the dynamic of the family culture for you. JP's family is an eating family - lots of funeral food was brought over, lots of pasta and bread at the post-funeral luncheon, lots of pizza and Tasty Kakes for those who don't live in New Jersey. This is where I struggled most. I just wanted to eat with the culture - and I now have Tasty Kakes on my post show list. It's the first time in all of this - save for gum and sweeteners- that I have honestly thought of something I want to eat and knew for sure it was a yes.
4. I really just want to be able to eat on the fly. I know that preparation equals success in this process, and I did get a lot of comfort from prepping my meals for the drive home today, but just for once I want a meal that doesn't require a truck stop microwave to eat it - or a plan to eat it cold with lots of water.
So, I guess I have finally entered the competition equivalent of senioritis...and just like senioritis, it feels like it is going to be an eternity.
Like the rest of life, I guess this is the time I step back and appraise the truth of the situation. First, if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Second, I made this choice for a reason - to be more healthy and just do it, and since I have already met part of that equation, I need to stick through the other part - the just do it part - and hopefully by that time I will be past obsession over everything I want to eat and will get back to reality. What is reality exactly? Well, it's understanding that, though I won't eat as restrictive as I am now, the truth of being healthy with food is understanding that food is fuel. If I treat it as fuel, then I have a chance of staying healthy. If I treat it as something more than fuel, then I start back in the path that got me to 240 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.
Food is fuel. And sometimes it is community, belonging, but more often than not, it's fuel. Keeping that in perspective will get me through the next 27 days...and beyond...
Driving long distances is rough, even in the best of circumstances. Driving long distances with an 18 month old is even rougher, even in the best of circumstances. Throw in the fact that I am in the final stretch of my competition prep, and we have traveled to and are on our way home from a funeral - where there has been TONS of yummy looking and smelling food - and it's pure torture.
That's right - pure torture. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday. As the rest of the family ate their chicken parm, pizza, fried potatoes, chocolate, and Tasty Kakes, I just about cracked. I even texted my coach, asking if I could have 1 piece of pizza, and then telling him what torture it was. His response? "Deal with it." Yeah, thanks.
As I went to bed last night, I was frustrated, pissed off. This was this first time I have really struggledlike this. In that moment, I could see why people say actually competing separates bodybuilders from weight lifters. In the interest of being honest during this process, the following are all things I struggled with while on this trip:
1. I really wanted to have a full-on coffee - or at the least, a coffee with some sweetener in it. Black iced coffee and coffee from truck stops just sucks when on the road. And when I'm on the road for 10+ hours, there is no way I am making the trip without some form of caffeine - and black coffee is my option right now.
2. With all of that crappy black coffee, I really wanted a piece of gum for my black coffee breath. Alas, no gum - or mints - for me.
3. Eating is a family culture. When you don't eat what everyone else is eating, it changes the dynamic of the family culture for you. JP's family is an eating family - lots of funeral food was brought over, lots of pasta and bread at the post-funeral luncheon, lots of pizza and Tasty Kakes for those who don't live in New Jersey. This is where I struggled most. I just wanted to eat with the culture - and I now have Tasty Kakes on my post show list. It's the first time in all of this - save for gum and sweeteners- that I have honestly thought of something I want to eat and knew for sure it was a yes.
4. I really just want to be able to eat on the fly. I know that preparation equals success in this process, and I did get a lot of comfort from prepping my meals for the drive home today, but just for once I want a meal that doesn't require a truck stop microwave to eat it - or a plan to eat it cold with lots of water.
So, I guess I have finally entered the competition equivalent of senioritis...and just like senioritis, it feels like it is going to be an eternity.
Like the rest of life, I guess this is the time I step back and appraise the truth of the situation. First, if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Second, I made this choice for a reason - to be more healthy and just do it, and since I have already met part of that equation, I need to stick through the other part - the just do it part - and hopefully by that time I will be past obsession over everything I want to eat and will get back to reality. What is reality exactly? Well, it's understanding that, though I won't eat as restrictive as I am now, the truth of being healthy with food is understanding that food is fuel. If I treat it as fuel, then I have a chance of staying healthy. If I treat it as something more than fuel, then I start back in the path that got me to 240 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.
Food is fuel. And sometimes it is community, belonging, but more often than not, it's fuel. Keeping that in perspective will get me through the next 27 days...and beyond...
Monday, August 6, 2012
Shared wisdom
As with anything else in life, I gain strength from others sharing their experience and wisdom with me. I have a number of friends who have competed or are competitors, and I have had many conversations about the nuances of competition prep. I reach out to them when I am struggling, anxious, full of fear or stumped, and they always help me - usually through imparting experiences of their own, things they have learned, or things they have observed (that may not necessarily be their direct experience).
The other day a friend of mine - the person I have referred to as the only person I know of who reads this post regularly - sent me an email that really hit home with me. He is not a bodybuilding competitor, but he is a powerlifting competitor. Here is a little of what he shared about his first powerlifting meet:
"At the end of the day, I ended up doing much, much worse than even my limited expectations. But I did the most important thing, which was getting through without bombing out. I learned a lot of lessons that day (like "don't lift in APL meets" and "bring baby wipes in your gym bag"). But… I came home with a trophy because I was the only one in my weight class. I spent 8 hours around lifters who were a lot better than me, and had the opportunity to talk to them and learn a lot (a PL meet involves a ton of time just sitting around and waiting for your turn). I got to see different techniques in person, talk to judges, and just be a sponge...."
Check. Check and check. I have been a spectator at shows, I have even helped expedite shows, but the only way to learn the process is through the process. Great point - and point taken.
"...Did I do well? No. Was I "competitive"? No. Was I even "ready" for the meet? No. But doing absolutely lousy in a competition was vital to doing well in the ones after that. Can someone do well in their first competition? Maybe, but it is rare....I know that for me, if I did a bodybuilding show or something similar, I would think of the first show not as "my first competition" but as a warmup for my first competition. A dry run. A simulation. I would go into it with the mindset of trying to learn as much as possible from it. The only way to "not be ready" for it, to me, is if my mind wasn't in the "learning" mode. But at the end of the day, no amount of preparation, practice, or coaching can do for you what that first competition will do. The only way to really get ready to compete is by competing..."
YES! And that is what this is...a dry run, a dress rehearsal, a chance to rip off the band-aid and inspect that part underneath that I couldn't without just doing it. Even better point.
"...Will you be ready for the upcoming show? That depends on what you mean by "ready". You have been working hard on the posing it looks like. Tanning starts soon if it hasn't already. You're sticking to your diet and exercise plan. The only thing that might not be "ready" is your body itself. There's a difference between "able to be on stage" and "winning" in these things. As long as you feel that you are "able to be on stage", that's all there is to it...the way I see it, as long as you are realistic… and keep in mind the fact that you are doing this without the chemical shenanigans that many other competitors are… I think that you will be fine."
Hmmm. This is EXACTLY what I keep hearing from my friends who compete, from JP (he's not objective, though...lol) and from my coach. Best point yet.
And so it goes, that I have heard this a million and one times so far, but it took this email, written in just the way it is written, with the illustration of his experience (and outcome) with his first powerlifting meet, for all of this to come together and really sink in.
And that is the nature of seeking strength from others - and allowing others to share their experience - it not only normalizes what I am going through, but it helps me keep my expectations in check. Because - truth be told - I did talk about the last national show of the year when I first decided to do this show. I was convinced I was going to be conditioned like a champ and ready to kill it and get my pro card in 2 shows. LMAO!! Ok...my expectations weren't that high, but I did research other bigger shows for the end of the year. As soon as last week, I was researching another show for November 3rd - so I could tighten up more and come in for that show...
Insanity! This past weekend I stopped and really thought about the fact that I have been doing competition prep for 16 weeks so far - and will have been doing it for 21 weeks total by September 8th. I think I'll "retire" for a bit and shoot to do another show in the spring - and be happy for the experience of having done my first show, my dress rehearsal - and gained knowledge I never would have any other way. Although I have no idea how it will turn out - only the next 4+ weeks will tell - I will have done it. Which, at the end of the day, was truly my only goal when this all started.
The other day a friend of mine - the person I have referred to as the only person I know of who reads this post regularly - sent me an email that really hit home with me. He is not a bodybuilding competitor, but he is a powerlifting competitor. Here is a little of what he shared about his first powerlifting meet:
"At the end of the day, I ended up doing much, much worse than even my limited expectations. But I did the most important thing, which was getting through without bombing out. I learned a lot of lessons that day (like "don't lift in APL meets" and "bring baby wipes in your gym bag"). But… I came home with a trophy because I was the only one in my weight class. I spent 8 hours around lifters who were a lot better than me, and had the opportunity to talk to them and learn a lot (a PL meet involves a ton of time just sitting around and waiting for your turn). I got to see different techniques in person, talk to judges, and just be a sponge...."
Check. Check and check. I have been a spectator at shows, I have even helped expedite shows, but the only way to learn the process is through the process. Great point - and point taken.
"...Did I do well? No. Was I "competitive"? No. Was I even "ready" for the meet? No. But doing absolutely lousy in a competition was vital to doing well in the ones after that. Can someone do well in their first competition? Maybe, but it is rare....I know that for me, if I did a bodybuilding show or something similar, I would think of the first show not as "my first competition" but as a warmup for my first competition. A dry run. A simulation. I would go into it with the mindset of trying to learn as much as possible from it. The only way to "not be ready" for it, to me, is if my mind wasn't in the "learning" mode. But at the end of the day, no amount of preparation, practice, or coaching can do for you what that first competition will do. The only way to really get ready to compete is by competing..."
YES! And that is what this is...a dry run, a dress rehearsal, a chance to rip off the band-aid and inspect that part underneath that I couldn't without just doing it. Even better point.
"...Will you be ready for the upcoming show? That depends on what you mean by "ready". You have been working hard on the posing it looks like. Tanning starts soon if it hasn't already. You're sticking to your diet and exercise plan. The only thing that might not be "ready" is your body itself. There's a difference between "able to be on stage" and "winning" in these things. As long as you feel that you are "able to be on stage", that's all there is to it...the way I see it, as long as you are realistic… and keep in mind the fact that you are doing this without the chemical shenanigans that many other competitors are… I think that you will be fine."
Hmmm. This is EXACTLY what I keep hearing from my friends who compete, from JP (he's not objective, though...lol) and from my coach. Best point yet.
And so it goes, that I have heard this a million and one times so far, but it took this email, written in just the way it is written, with the illustration of his experience (and outcome) with his first powerlifting meet, for all of this to come together and really sink in.
And that is the nature of seeking strength from others - and allowing others to share their experience - it not only normalizes what I am going through, but it helps me keep my expectations in check. Because - truth be told - I did talk about the last national show of the year when I first decided to do this show. I was convinced I was going to be conditioned like a champ and ready to kill it and get my pro card in 2 shows. LMAO!! Ok...my expectations weren't that high, but I did research other bigger shows for the end of the year. As soon as last week, I was researching another show for November 3rd - so I could tighten up more and come in for that show...
Insanity! This past weekend I stopped and really thought about the fact that I have been doing competition prep for 16 weeks so far - and will have been doing it for 21 weeks total by September 8th. I think I'll "retire" for a bit and shoot to do another show in the spring - and be happy for the experience of having done my first show, my dress rehearsal - and gained knowledge I never would have any other way. Although I have no idea how it will turn out - only the next 4+ weeks will tell - I will have done it. Which, at the end of the day, was truly my only goal when this all started.
Posing Practice 8/3/12
I can definitely see an improvement in posing from last week to this week. The big thing I can see I need to work on from this video is holding my abs in. You can see in both of my close up side chest poses what a difference it makes, as I tighten in my abs after I set my pose. JP watched it and was blown away by the difference. I have leaned out from last week to this week, and can see a difference in my legs and back and stomach, although I would like to see more! Always more, right? :)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
This matter of faith...
How is competition prep like thrift shopping? It's a matter of faith. Of
willingness. Of trust - in a process, that submitting to a process you don't
necessarily understand or even like will bring out results beyond what you can
conceive of in and of yourself.
I had this revelation the other day. Simple, but profound at the moment. I had spent a bit of time researching toddler tables for Jenna. She really is getting uncomfortable in her high chair, and since we all eat on different schedules, it's not usually necessary to have her at the dinner table when she eats. I was dumbfounded by the fact that a simple plastic or wood table could start out at $80+, at least for ones that had good reviews. That is money we just don't have right now. I have been trolling at Once Upon a Child and peeking as I pass yard sales with no luck. I had accepted that it would be a bit - maybe for Christmas? - before we could get her a table. That same day, I asked JP if I could take a couple of dollars - as in like $20, which is a lot right now - and go to a couple of consignment shops and thrift stores to see if I can find some pants for work.
Let me inject a side thought here...as we are not destitute and starving, just tight on money and making a commitment to be wise(r) with money decisions. Given that I have lost a good bit of weight in the last 5 months, making an attempt to find hand-me-downs, as well as thrift and consignment clothing, is one of the commitments I have made to assisting us in being better stewards of our money.
As I was heading to a certain consignment store - coming from work, a direction I rarely, if ever, go - I passed a used furniture store. To my amazement I spot a children's Little Tikes table for sale out front. I turned around and went back, inspected it (in great shape!), and went to inquire about a price. They wanted $24 for it and it included two chairs with it. I called JP - we might find another one in the future for that price, but given that I had just been researching it and finally let go of the idea of having one right now, I couldn't pass up the deal. He said yes, so I bought it and put it in the car. I then proceeded on to two consignment shops, where 2 of the items I found were 50% off (for $9 total), two of the items I found were 40% off (for $8 total) and one item was 30% off (for a total of $5). Yes a little over budget, but they were all label items (LOFT, Nine West and Charlotte Russe), so you couldn't beat it. What does this have to do with faith? First, it takes willingness - to not get caught up in the instant gratification of shopping for clothes brand new, to search through multiple racks at thrift and consignment shops, or to ask those around you if they have clothes they want to get rid of, to let go of the idea that you need something brand new and to step out of your comfort zone. Then trust - in the process, that you will find something that fits/is nice/will last/that you like, that your needs - and even some of your wants - will be met, that you can meet two goals - in this example, to save money and find much needed clothes. I can't afford most of the labels I buy at these consignment and thrift stores. That is just being honest. But I find them - regularly - in the thrift and consignment shops. So, by trusting the process and being willing, I end up with nicer and more durable items than I would if I bought what I can afford brand new.
So how does this compare to the process of competition prep? And, even more important, how did shopping on this day bring this profound revelation to the forefront of my mind?
As I stated in the last post, I had a moment this past weekend. A moment where I accepted, to the deepest part of my being, that I may not be ready in time for the Stewart Fitness show on September 8th. I had considered this before, but this past weekend was the first time I really accepted it. That was a sad experience for me, as I have worked really hard to make this goal. In essence, my desire to meet this particular goal has been a driving force for me, even if I have been able to focus on the nuances as I go, learning a lot in the process. Letting go of this as a driving force was a bit painful for me, I have to admit. Allowing the veil of self-will to fall away is always painful, in it's own way. In spite of this, I made the agreement - with JP and with David, my coach - to push forward and make a final determination the week of. As a result, I have not faltered from my nutrition, have continued with my workouts and have stepped up my posing practice. I am proceeding as if...which I really acknowledged on the day of my last post - the day before the consignment shopping trip on Tuesday.
On Tuesday, I took a day off from the gym to do this little shopping expedition, so I could rest for a day and do something different. I was in full acceptance mode, researching Jen Hendershott's show and doing some of the math, so I can be prepared if this show doesn't work out. When I got to the first consignment shop, I grabbed a pair of pants in a size I just knew would be a bit small. When I put them on, they fit. Wait...what? They fit...they really fit. And they were cute. And in that moment, I saw myself as I was. And I realized that my stomach - the area I am most concerned about for my show - is smaller than it was on Sunday, when I did measurements. I was still on a high from finding that table so cheap, and now I stopped, really looked at my body, and I realized this might just happen afterall. I am not going to come in at some super low body fat %, with every striation of muscle showing, but I might lean out just enough to do my first show and do okay at it.
This may sound vain to some who read this, but it was a profound moment for me. Although my idea of things came crashing down around me, I stuck with the plan - I had faith. I was willing to do the work, and trust the process, even while doubting the outcome. And that is the beauty of faith - I am not in control of the outcome anyway. My life has been one continuous lesson of accepting what I am powerless over, only to find strength and inspiration in the letting go. And in doing so, I many times get outcomes beyond my wildest imagination. So I will move forward with purpose, keeping the focus on the moment at hand....willing to do the work, trust the process, and let the outcome unfold as it will.
Now, if I could just find a competition suit at a thrift store...:)
I had this revelation the other day. Simple, but profound at the moment. I had spent a bit of time researching toddler tables for Jenna. She really is getting uncomfortable in her high chair, and since we all eat on different schedules, it's not usually necessary to have her at the dinner table when she eats. I was dumbfounded by the fact that a simple plastic or wood table could start out at $80+, at least for ones that had good reviews. That is money we just don't have right now. I have been trolling at Once Upon a Child and peeking as I pass yard sales with no luck. I had accepted that it would be a bit - maybe for Christmas? - before we could get her a table. That same day, I asked JP if I could take a couple of dollars - as in like $20, which is a lot right now - and go to a couple of consignment shops and thrift stores to see if I can find some pants for work.
Let me inject a side thought here...as we are not destitute and starving, just tight on money and making a commitment to be wise(r) with money decisions. Given that I have lost a good bit of weight in the last 5 months, making an attempt to find hand-me-downs, as well as thrift and consignment clothing, is one of the commitments I have made to assisting us in being better stewards of our money.
As I was heading to a certain consignment store - coming from work, a direction I rarely, if ever, go - I passed a used furniture store. To my amazement I spot a children's Little Tikes table for sale out front. I turned around and went back, inspected it (in great shape!), and went to inquire about a price. They wanted $24 for it and it included two chairs with it. I called JP - we might find another one in the future for that price, but given that I had just been researching it and finally let go of the idea of having one right now, I couldn't pass up the deal. He said yes, so I bought it and put it in the car. I then proceeded on to two consignment shops, where 2 of the items I found were 50% off (for $9 total), two of the items I found were 40% off (for $8 total) and one item was 30% off (for a total of $5). Yes a little over budget, but they were all label items (LOFT, Nine West and Charlotte Russe), so you couldn't beat it. What does this have to do with faith? First, it takes willingness - to not get caught up in the instant gratification of shopping for clothes brand new, to search through multiple racks at thrift and consignment shops, or to ask those around you if they have clothes they want to get rid of, to let go of the idea that you need something brand new and to step out of your comfort zone. Then trust - in the process, that you will find something that fits/is nice/will last/that you like, that your needs - and even some of your wants - will be met, that you can meet two goals - in this example, to save money and find much needed clothes. I can't afford most of the labels I buy at these consignment and thrift stores. That is just being honest. But I find them - regularly - in the thrift and consignment shops. So, by trusting the process and being willing, I end up with nicer and more durable items than I would if I bought what I can afford brand new.
So how does this compare to the process of competition prep? And, even more important, how did shopping on this day bring this profound revelation to the forefront of my mind?
As I stated in the last post, I had a moment this past weekend. A moment where I accepted, to the deepest part of my being, that I may not be ready in time for the Stewart Fitness show on September 8th. I had considered this before, but this past weekend was the first time I really accepted it. That was a sad experience for me, as I have worked really hard to make this goal. In essence, my desire to meet this particular goal has been a driving force for me, even if I have been able to focus on the nuances as I go, learning a lot in the process. Letting go of this as a driving force was a bit painful for me, I have to admit. Allowing the veil of self-will to fall away is always painful, in it's own way. In spite of this, I made the agreement - with JP and with David, my coach - to push forward and make a final determination the week of. As a result, I have not faltered from my nutrition, have continued with my workouts and have stepped up my posing practice. I am proceeding as if...which I really acknowledged on the day of my last post - the day before the consignment shopping trip on Tuesday.
On Tuesday, I took a day off from the gym to do this little shopping expedition, so I could rest for a day and do something different. I was in full acceptance mode, researching Jen Hendershott's show and doing some of the math, so I can be prepared if this show doesn't work out. When I got to the first consignment shop, I grabbed a pair of pants in a size I just knew would be a bit small. When I put them on, they fit. Wait...what? They fit...they really fit. And they were cute. And in that moment, I saw myself as I was. And I realized that my stomach - the area I am most concerned about for my show - is smaller than it was on Sunday, when I did measurements. I was still on a high from finding that table so cheap, and now I stopped, really looked at my body, and I realized this might just happen afterall. I am not going to come in at some super low body fat %, with every striation of muscle showing, but I might lean out just enough to do my first show and do okay at it.
This may sound vain to some who read this, but it was a profound moment for me. Although my idea of things came crashing down around me, I stuck with the plan - I had faith. I was willing to do the work, and trust the process, even while doubting the outcome. And that is the beauty of faith - I am not in control of the outcome anyway. My life has been one continuous lesson of accepting what I am powerless over, only to find strength and inspiration in the letting go. And in doing so, I many times get outcomes beyond my wildest imagination. So I will move forward with purpose, keeping the focus on the moment at hand....willing to do the work, trust the process, and let the outcome unfold as it will.
Now, if I could just find a competition suit at a thrift store...:)
Monday, July 30, 2012
5 weeks and 5 days out...
Everyone hits that time when they are over it. Over being in the gym so much. Over being so regimented with food. Over being self-obsessed. And I am at that point. For today.
I had a moment this past weekend when I finally accepted that there is a good chance I may not be ready for this show. I am going to push through and train until the last day, but I still have a ways to go. What made me realize this was a video I took of me posing this past weekend. Pictures can be deceiving, but video doesn't lie. When I watched myself in the video, I stopped looking at my progress and started looking at where I need to be. That was a different point of view for sure. Here are some clips from the video:
I allowed myself a bit to get down and get frustrated, but that really isn't my nature these days, so after a while I needed to readjust my attitude and focus on the positive. First of all, I have come a long way. After months of feeling frustrated and stagnant, this process has given me some very focused goals, all of which I have met along the way. As a result, I have made a lot off progress. For the sake of documenting it and giving myself something concrete to look at, totaled my numbers from the first day of my prep - 4/9/12 - to now. In that time (16 weeks to be exact), I have:
-Lost 26.4 pounds
-Dropped 8.6799% body fat
-Lost 1 inch from each of my calves
-Lost 3.75 inches from my right thigh and 3.25 inches from my left
-Lost 5 inches from my glutes
-Lost 4.5 inches from my hips
-Lost a whopping 8 inches from my proper waist
-Lost 6.25 inches from the largest part of my waist (below my belly button - the baby pooch)
-Lost 4.5 inches from my chest (i.e., I have no boobs left!)
-Lost 1.25 inches from my right arm and 1 inch from my left arm
-Lost 0.75 inches from my right forearm and 0.5 from my left forearm
-Gone from a light size 14/heavy size 12 to a size 6
I really have to celebrate this, as I have worked hard and been disciplined. I don't want to lose sight of this by being too focused on an end result. The second thing I want to keep in mind is that I can always do a show later in the year if I don't come down in time for this one. All along my coach and I have talked about how we don't want to crash into this show, and I am committed to that as much as ever. As a result, that means I need to be flexible, and understand that I can do another show if I am not quite ready for this one. That also means I don't give myself an out on this show either, something I realized today I might have been trying to do.
Which brings me to another positive of this process - the fact that I can focus on the process. In realizing that today, I was able to acknowledge (ok...I am just acknowledging as I write this) that I was setting myself up for self-sabotage. I get in fear - in this case that I am not going to be ready in time - and that snowballs...to me wanting to just go ahead and scrap this show and plan for the Jen Hendershott show on November 3rd...which then means I can take a day or two (or a week) off from the gym...and that I can have a piece of pizza if I want (or go out with the girls for milkshake night Wednesday night)...and so on and so forth. So what I did instead was freak out and email my coach, go the gym, stay on point with my diet, share it out loud with JP and Becca, and then put it out here. My coach told me to stay the course, that we won't make a final decision until a week out, and that his concern is making sure I do this at a healthy speed so we can keep my skin tight and not put me into a metabolic crash. If he had been with me, he probably would have had his hands out like a hostage negotiator, telling me to put down my old way of doing things and trust him. Which I do. So I see it, I acknowledge it and I let it pass on like water through a crack.
At the end of the day, the end goal is great. But I can honestly say that what I have learned along the way has been an unexpected gift. Yes. I am over it right this second. But this feeling will pass, and I will be grateful that I pushed through, and in the end - if I don't get to compete in this particular competition - I will know it wasn't because I skimped, cheated or self-sabotaged. :)
I had a moment this past weekend when I finally accepted that there is a good chance I may not be ready for this show. I am going to push through and train until the last day, but I still have a ways to go. What made me realize this was a video I took of me posing this past weekend. Pictures can be deceiving, but video doesn't lie. When I watched myself in the video, I stopped looking at my progress and started looking at where I need to be. That was a different point of view for sure. Here are some clips from the video:
I allowed myself a bit to get down and get frustrated, but that really isn't my nature these days, so after a while I needed to readjust my attitude and focus on the positive. First of all, I have come a long way. After months of feeling frustrated and stagnant, this process has given me some very focused goals, all of which I have met along the way. As a result, I have made a lot off progress. For the sake of documenting it and giving myself something concrete to look at, totaled my numbers from the first day of my prep - 4/9/12 - to now. In that time (16 weeks to be exact), I have:
-Lost 26.4 pounds
-Dropped 8.6799% body fat
-Lost 1 inch from each of my calves
-Lost 3.75 inches from my right thigh and 3.25 inches from my left
-Lost 5 inches from my glutes
-Lost 4.5 inches from my hips
-Lost a whopping 8 inches from my proper waist
-Lost 6.25 inches from the largest part of my waist (below my belly button - the baby pooch)
-Lost 4.5 inches from my chest (i.e., I have no boobs left!)
-Lost 1.25 inches from my right arm and 1 inch from my left arm
-Lost 0.75 inches from my right forearm and 0.5 from my left forearm
-Gone from a light size 14/heavy size 12 to a size 6
I really have to celebrate this, as I have worked hard and been disciplined. I don't want to lose sight of this by being too focused on an end result. The second thing I want to keep in mind is that I can always do a show later in the year if I don't come down in time for this one. All along my coach and I have talked about how we don't want to crash into this show, and I am committed to that as much as ever. As a result, that means I need to be flexible, and understand that I can do another show if I am not quite ready for this one. That also means I don't give myself an out on this show either, something I realized today I might have been trying to do.
Which brings me to another positive of this process - the fact that I can focus on the process. In realizing that today, I was able to acknowledge (ok...I am just acknowledging as I write this) that I was setting myself up for self-sabotage. I get in fear - in this case that I am not going to be ready in time - and that snowballs...to me wanting to just go ahead and scrap this show and plan for the Jen Hendershott show on November 3rd...which then means I can take a day or two (or a week) off from the gym...and that I can have a piece of pizza if I want (or go out with the girls for milkshake night Wednesday night)...and so on and so forth. So what I did instead was freak out and email my coach, go the gym, stay on point with my diet, share it out loud with JP and Becca, and then put it out here. My coach told me to stay the course, that we won't make a final decision until a week out, and that his concern is making sure I do this at a healthy speed so we can keep my skin tight and not put me into a metabolic crash. If he had been with me, he probably would have had his hands out like a hostage negotiator, telling me to put down my old way of doing things and trust him. Which I do. So I see it, I acknowledge it and I let it pass on like water through a crack.
At the end of the day, the end goal is great. But I can honestly say that what I have learned along the way has been an unexpected gift. Yes. I am over it right this second. But this feeling will pass, and I will be grateful that I pushed through, and in the end - if I don't get to compete in this particular competition - I will know it wasn't because I skimped, cheated or self-sabotaged. :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Updates and ramblings
6 weeks and 4 days out. Time is starting to fly now! I am hitting the wall a lot of people hit - feeling a bit resentful about having to spend so much time at the gym and wanting to be able to take a day or two off. I saw this and thought it was so true!
I think this is also a control issue, as I my endurance is waning as my time in the gym gets longer. My workouts are still hard and fast, but as I lose endurance, my strength fades a little, which I hate. Overall, my workouts are still very solid so far. And I am only doing 5 more minutes of cardio per day that I was a few weeks ago, so that isn't too bad, although I still hate cardio. What is wearing me out is trying to expand the time I spend in posing practice at the gym. I like to do it at the gym for two reasons: 1. because there are mirrors everywhere and the lighting helps me see what I need to work on flexing, and 2. I can do it uninterrupted there. It is good to practice after my workouts, too, because my muscles are tired, so I gets used to holding poses when I am exhausted, which, in theory, should help when I hit the stage. I feel better about my posing, even though it still needs a lot of work. The more I practice, the easier it is to get the basic mechanics of the pose, the easier it gets to remember to flex everything, and the less I have to think about it, freeing me up to also starting working on my transitions and forming my posing routine. I'm steady leaning out, and though I still have some fear I'm not going to come in on time for the show, I am less dominated by that fear. I think the thing I have to remember is that I am not trying to come in perfectly conditioned, but conditioned enough to experience my first show.
Here are my pics from 7-21-12, with my usual commentary, of course!
Right
I started working on correcting this yesterday. It's funny when people walk by and see you with different weighted dumbbells. I was waiting for someone to say something, but no one did. I had to do this a while back with my front delt, so I know it's a relatively simple fix. Hopefully it gets corrected in time.
That's it for today! Hope everyone is having a great week so far!
Here are my pics from 7-21-12, with my usual commentary, of course!
I am happier with this pose, as I can see improvements:
I can't take this pose seriously. It feels so awkward! It is easy to see that I still have a long way to go with my stomach. In the end this is going to be what makes or breaks whether I do the show. I can see where my upper thighs are starting to lean out some. Thank goodness, as I never thought that was going to happen!
I can make this one like a search it game...this pose brings up an obvious training error for me. Do you see it? If not, I'll elaborate on this in a bit. Again, my stomach is an issue in this pose, which for now accentuates that I am still carrying baby weight right below the belly button. That has been leaning out a lot recently, though. You can see hear where my upper legs are leaning out more, but refer to the back quarter turn pose to see where I am still thick...
I am getting better at bringing my arms down and still flaring my lats. My legs are showing more definition, as are my arms and shoulders. As with the other front poses, the stomach is the major problem area...
Here I can see where my actual waist is starting to leaning out, giving me width in my lats and shoulders. The skin is an obvious thing, especially when I have my top pulled down to expose my lats. This is something that will come taper down in the last few weeks and is normal. The thing that I really noticed here was that I am still pretty thick through the glutes. That has been leaning out from week to week, too, so we will see...
I have really been struggling with my leg placement on these side poses. It has gotten better, and more comfortable, but it is still weird. I can move my front leg around for transitioning, which is a huge improvement over two weeks ago.
I am happy with the side quarter turns. I really worked this past week on what it feels like to pull my shoulder back without pulling my elbow back and think I have made a lot of improvement in hitting this pose better, in general and in transitions.
As with the side chest, the side tricep posing is awkward due to the leg placement. I can see definite improvements and can identify here what I need to tweak.
Like the other side, I am gaining confidence with this pose overall, although my elbow may be a little far back here.
Now...back to the front bicep pose question...did you see the training error? If you look closely, you will see that my left bicep is fuller than my right bicep. I thought for a bit that it was related to my inability to flex it fully do to some tendonitis, but I am realizing that it is a conditioning issue specifically related to the inner head of my bicep. If you look at my back bicep pose, I have full and symmetrical biceps. Not so with the front. I finally realized that, as a result of the pain of the tendonitis, I was probably making minor adjustments with my hand placements, resulting in less stress on the inner head, thus resulting in less fullness overall. I am not a fan of self-portrait pictures, but here is a side:side comparison, where you can really see the issue:
Left
RightI started working on correcting this yesterday. It's funny when people walk by and see you with different weighted dumbbells. I was waiting for someone to say something, but no one did. I had to do this a while back with my front delt, so I know it's a relatively simple fix. Hopefully it gets corrected in time.
That's it for today! Hope everyone is having a great week so far!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Things that have changed for me...
I can't remember, no matter how hard I think:
The last time I had chocolate, or any sweets for that matter.
The last time I ate fast food.
The last time I had a soda.
The last time I had salad dressing.
The last time I had condiments, such as ketchup or mayonnaise.
What it was like to live life without drinking tons of water.
There was a time when these were all staples in my diet. I take that back, there was a time when I would use ketchup on occasion, but I have never been a big fan of condiments, so that wasn't much of a change. :)
I do remember a time when I was absolutely dependent on Diet Coke. I would play games with myself, like only allowing myself a diet coke after forcing myself to drink 2 (small) glasses of water. I didn't get people who didn't drink soda and I definitely didn't get people who only drank water. It seemed such a weird thing to me. Then I got pregnant, and anything with artificial sweeteners in it made me sick. That made it easy to give up diet soda. But I picked up drinking tons of sweet tea. But, by that time, drinking water was a normalized behavior for me, and I was aware of the signs of even subtle dehydration, so I was drinking lots of water, too. But up until the end of December of last year, I drank sweet tea a lot. I can remember my regular sweet tea - New Year's Day. I think I have only had one or two since that time. My last soda was probably last August or before. That is nothing short of miraculous. But my story is that change came over time. That was 3 years in the making. As was everything else I listed above.
Last night we went for coffee with a couple we're friends with and one of them had a piece of tuxedo cake. One of my faves because it has all of the kinds of chocolate layered one on another. A little slice of heaven. Only, save for when she ordered it, I didn't think anything of it. I didn't drool. I didn't wish or want. It was like my experience with alcohol after being sober for a while, I was in a position of neutrality. It was an amazing experience. I can't remember a time - ever - when I haven't lusted after a piece of anything with every type of chocolate in it. Even when we went Paleo, I would gorge myself on cocao or dark chocolate, especially if it had almonds and sea salt in it, too. ;)
Like so many other things in life - the unintended benefits usually reap the biggest rewards. I started all of this - way back in 2009 with my first go around, I mean - with the intention of meeting a goal. A seemingly lofty goal, but a goal nonetheless. In the process, I have made and met many small goals, but my focus has largely been on the external changes. I ponder the internal ones here a lot, but what takes up a lot of my time, energy and planning in the process are the external changes. Yet here they are...the unplanned fringe benefits...the small changes that were made to meet a different goal, but became part of the deal, in and of themselves. In this case, the progression of limiting the big junk, then slowing weeding that out, then learning to live without some of the smaller junk, then slowly weeding that out, and being left with a healthier understanding of the healthier lifestyle I inadvertly picked up on my journey to compete in a physique competition. Intertesting how that happens. Kind of like when I got sober....fear of drinking again drove me to take suggestions, suggestions I took out fear, that led not only to a relief from the obsession to drink (my intended goal), but brought me peace of mind and comfort with life as I never knew could exist (the unplanned benefit/outcome). So I abandon myself to something radically different than what I can conceive of with my own limited scope of experience, and in return I get something vastly beyond my imagination?!? Yup...that's it. Funny how that works.
So it is with change. It happens. And sometimes I am forced into a position where I ride along with it, rather than resisting it, and I get to experience it all rather than react to it all. What a blessing. What a blessing, for sure!
Like so many other things in life - the unintended benefits usually reap the biggest rewards. I started all of this - way back in 2009 with my first go around, I mean - with the intention of meeting a goal. A seemingly lofty goal, but a goal nonetheless. In the process, I have made and met many small goals, but my focus has largely been on the external changes. I ponder the internal ones here a lot, but what takes up a lot of my time, energy and planning in the process are the external changes. Yet here they are...the unplanned fringe benefits...the small changes that were made to meet a different goal, but became part of the deal, in and of themselves. In this case, the progression of limiting the big junk, then slowing weeding that out, then learning to live without some of the smaller junk, then slowly weeding that out, and being left with a healthier understanding of the healthier lifestyle I inadvertly picked up on my journey to compete in a physique competition. Intertesting how that happens. Kind of like when I got sober....fear of drinking again drove me to take suggestions, suggestions I took out fear, that led not only to a relief from the obsession to drink (my intended goal), but brought me peace of mind and comfort with life as I never knew could exist (the unplanned benefit/outcome). So I abandon myself to something radically different than what I can conceive of with my own limited scope of experience, and in return I get something vastly beyond my imagination?!? Yup...that's it. Funny how that works.
So it is with change. It happens. And sometimes I am forced into a position where I ride along with it, rather than resisting it, and I get to experience it all rather than react to it all. What a blessing. What a blessing, for sure!
Friday, July 20, 2012
Another thought for today...or I guess I should say...another post for today...
As many of you know, who know me, I am not a fan of social media. I had Facebook for a while, and My Space before it, and it never brought anything positive to my life. Sure, I had a bunch of superficial relationships with people I would either 1. not be friends with otherwise, or 2. in some cases ever meet or see again (as in the case of the people I met once through other people years ago or people who I just didn't turn down when they friended me saying that we had a mutual friend). Further proof this theory (that it's superficial...just to clarify)...the fact that I sent my contact information to everyone on my friends list (all 700+), asking them to do the same if they would like to stay in touch, and I got less than 20 replies. I even got messages that said people would miss seeing my pictures (i.e., really Jenna's pictures) but no return contact information.
Which brings me to the idea of social media other than the obvious FB & Twitter. I recently, at the suggestion of a friend, checked out site that is for women in the fitness industry. And there is a lot of good information on there, especially on topics like metabolic issue and all. It is set up in a social networking kind of way, where people start threads and other can subscribe and comment. There is a section for introductions, for training logs, to find others who may be looking for roommates at shows, for products, etc. I decided pretty quickly to try to introduce myself, which was ok. And then I started a training log, which was also okay. But almost immediately, I found myself checking back...more and more often. Within a week....a week...I realized I was increasingly anxious, especially with anything I considered criticism or judgement...and that I was starting to get full of fear and questioning my competition prep. This in turn led me to start becoming more and more self-consumed, resulting in more anxiety.
So I stopped. I resigned from my training log. Stopped checking in on the site. I immediately experienced peace - the anxiety went away. And I have been at peace since. Sure I have my moments where I question whether I will really be ready - and from what I can see, this is a normal thing, especially for a first show. I know I am not going to be perfectly conditioned, ready for a national show or any of the above. It's a goal to get on the stage and do it...and then decide from them. To have the experience for the experience.
As I started writing the training log, I asked myself how that was different than this blog. At first, I didn't put much into that passing thought. But as my anxiety grew, I did. I did (and do) this blog just as much - or more - to document this process for me - and for those closest to me. Anyone can read it, but the people who normally follow it are people who know me. My motive from the beginning with the training log on that site was for self-promotion. I can dress it up and call it something else, but that was what it was. As a result, every view and comment after that was something that either supported or did not support my self-promotion. Hence the anxiety. I have had to ask myself before if this blog is self-promotion. Of course, on some level, writing about yourself is a self-consumed activity, but there is a distinction. First and foremost, people rarely comment on here. I literally only know of one person who reads every post I put on here (Hi Justin!), so I don't seek affirmation or confirmation from blogging. I started it as a motivator for myself, and if you go back to the original posts, they are pretty raw. And they still can be. I usually try to end on a high note, but I also try to be honest about what I am thinking and feeling through this process. I don't feel a need to defend myself - or prove anything here. I don't feel a need to careful construct my words to account for this person or that person or to avoid the comments I knew would come from some people. Here, I am me. Just like my tag line says...this is me...this is my journey.
What I have learned about social media - for me - is that it doesn't work. It forces me to put faith in superficial feedback (that is what happens when I feel good or bad based in the content, nature or amount - or lack of - comments or interaction on there), causing me to lose focus on what is real, which is what is tangibly in front of me. My training is solid. My nutrition is healthy. I'm not using any supplements (save for protein powder) and I am accountable to my sponsor, my coach, my husband and a handful of people who are friends in the industry. I am still on an amount of calories that are considered more than maintenance for a lot of people and my cardio is still at a rate that is normal for many people off-season. I feel good about the process, and I am not striving for perfection - just progress. That is validation enough for me. Just like some people can drink like normal people and others can eat less restrictive than I am at the moment and get good results, some people can use social media and not feel like it's sucking the spirit out of them. I am not one of those people, and I am okay with that. So, I will blog. And be content with it.
Which brings me to the idea of social media other than the obvious FB & Twitter. I recently, at the suggestion of a friend, checked out site that is for women in the fitness industry. And there is a lot of good information on there, especially on topics like metabolic issue and all. It is set up in a social networking kind of way, where people start threads and other can subscribe and comment. There is a section for introductions, for training logs, to find others who may be looking for roommates at shows, for products, etc. I decided pretty quickly to try to introduce myself, which was ok. And then I started a training log, which was also okay. But almost immediately, I found myself checking back...more and more often. Within a week....a week...I realized I was increasingly anxious, especially with anything I considered criticism or judgement...and that I was starting to get full of fear and questioning my competition prep. This in turn led me to start becoming more and more self-consumed, resulting in more anxiety.
So I stopped. I resigned from my training log. Stopped checking in on the site. I immediately experienced peace - the anxiety went away. And I have been at peace since. Sure I have my moments where I question whether I will really be ready - and from what I can see, this is a normal thing, especially for a first show. I know I am not going to be perfectly conditioned, ready for a national show or any of the above. It's a goal to get on the stage and do it...and then decide from them. To have the experience for the experience.
As I started writing the training log, I asked myself how that was different than this blog. At first, I didn't put much into that passing thought. But as my anxiety grew, I did. I did (and do) this blog just as much - or more - to document this process for me - and for those closest to me. Anyone can read it, but the people who normally follow it are people who know me. My motive from the beginning with the training log on that site was for self-promotion. I can dress it up and call it something else, but that was what it was. As a result, every view and comment after that was something that either supported or did not support my self-promotion. Hence the anxiety. I have had to ask myself before if this blog is self-promotion. Of course, on some level, writing about yourself is a self-consumed activity, but there is a distinction. First and foremost, people rarely comment on here. I literally only know of one person who reads every post I put on here (Hi Justin!), so I don't seek affirmation or confirmation from blogging. I started it as a motivator for myself, and if you go back to the original posts, they are pretty raw. And they still can be. I usually try to end on a high note, but I also try to be honest about what I am thinking and feeling through this process. I don't feel a need to defend myself - or prove anything here. I don't feel a need to careful construct my words to account for this person or that person or to avoid the comments I knew would come from some people. Here, I am me. Just like my tag line says...this is me...this is my journey.
What I have learned about social media - for me - is that it doesn't work. It forces me to put faith in superficial feedback (that is what happens when I feel good or bad based in the content, nature or amount - or lack of - comments or interaction on there), causing me to lose focus on what is real, which is what is tangibly in front of me. My training is solid. My nutrition is healthy. I'm not using any supplements (save for protein powder) and I am accountable to my sponsor, my coach, my husband and a handful of people who are friends in the industry. I am still on an amount of calories that are considered more than maintenance for a lot of people and my cardio is still at a rate that is normal for many people off-season. I feel good about the process, and I am not striving for perfection - just progress. That is validation enough for me. Just like some people can drink like normal people and others can eat less restrictive than I am at the moment and get good results, some people can use social media and not feel like it's sucking the spirit out of them. I am not one of those people, and I am okay with that. So, I will blog. And be content with it.
Yeah...so it's a "hollow" day...but keeping it simple still does the trick...
I can't take credit for the use of the term "hollow day" to describe one of those days where you are hungry, even right after you eat. I have to admit that it was a line in one of the Hunger Games books, but I remember it because it was a perfect description of it.
The feeling I am having is similar to what I feel right before I start my period - a general sense of hungry that won't go away, even after having eaten. I'm quite a few days into my caloric drop, so I know this is not the reason for it. It's just one of those days. I actually had a lot more of them when I was eating junk all the time, and they are more rare now than anytime I can remember. But they still suck - because on these days I think about all of the stuff I think I want to eat (that I really don't want, but are fun to daydream about - not unlike a new car or designer clothes) a lot more.
So I will indulge the obsession for just one moment...because yesterday I really wanted a blueberry muffin with cream cheese I saw in the conference room, or a piece of the cheese and Jenna and JP ate yesterday afternoon, and Jenna's turkey sausage smelled like something supernatural this morning. And I would love to have Stevia in my coffee, a piece of gum, salsa, soy sauce, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray, fruit, feta cheese, half & half, and turkey bacon as a part of my healthy rotation of foods. But that is not to be right now.
Actually I can find gratitude, even in the obsession, because I realize that it's all a facade - just like wanting a new car or designer clothes. In the end, I truly want to be healthy, to see the results of the hard work I put in, and I know that having one of those blueberry muffins with cream cheese in them that are sitting in the conference room won't get me there - even when I am not on a competition diet. In following the previous comparison, I have had a new car, and it still got me from point A to point B - and now that car is 8 years old and paid off, and I like not having a car payment much better than I like the idea of having a new car. Same thing with designer clothes, a new house, the latest toys and so on. They are all a reflection of giving into the delusion that having them will make me happy. And, as with eating like crap or cheating on the competition diet, once I have them (or eat what I think I want), there is always that moment of regret, when the illusion of the moment is washed away, and I am left with the reality that it didn't even come close to doing for me what I thought it would. If fact, it does the opposite. because eating junk lends to eating more junk, and spending money lends to spending more money.
So, when I have a hollow day, like today, it does me good to remember that the idea that eating crap will make me feel better is actually a delusion. Does it mean that I don't give into cravings sometimes? Of course not. Ok...right now, I don't, but when I am not in competition mode I do. And I have learned that I can enjoy the simple ones, like having a Stevia in my coffee, a bit of feta on my salad, or a little soy sauce on my brown rice, rather than gorging myself on a cheat meal of pizza and cookies with ice cream on it (which I used to do once weekly and wonder why I couldn't lean out more). In my social network there is a saying, "Keep It Simple." I guess this applies to this area of my life just like it does the others...and like being happy with my older car, my house that isn't in the perfect neighborhood and needs new carpet, and loving the hand me down and thrift store clothes I wear everyday...keeping it simple has a bit of wisdom that brings peace...even on the hollow days. :)
The feeling I am having is similar to what I feel right before I start my period - a general sense of hungry that won't go away, even after having eaten. I'm quite a few days into my caloric drop, so I know this is not the reason for it. It's just one of those days. I actually had a lot more of them when I was eating junk all the time, and they are more rare now than anytime I can remember. But they still suck - because on these days I think about all of the stuff I think I want to eat (that I really don't want, but are fun to daydream about - not unlike a new car or designer clothes) a lot more.
So I will indulge the obsession for just one moment...because yesterday I really wanted a blueberry muffin with cream cheese I saw in the conference room, or a piece of the cheese and Jenna and JP ate yesterday afternoon, and Jenna's turkey sausage smelled like something supernatural this morning. And I would love to have Stevia in my coffee, a piece of gum, salsa, soy sauce, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray, fruit, feta cheese, half & half, and turkey bacon as a part of my healthy rotation of foods. But that is not to be right now.
Actually I can find gratitude, even in the obsession, because I realize that it's all a facade - just like wanting a new car or designer clothes. In the end, I truly want to be healthy, to see the results of the hard work I put in, and I know that having one of those blueberry muffins with cream cheese in them that are sitting in the conference room won't get me there - even when I am not on a competition diet. In following the previous comparison, I have had a new car, and it still got me from point A to point B - and now that car is 8 years old and paid off, and I like not having a car payment much better than I like the idea of having a new car. Same thing with designer clothes, a new house, the latest toys and so on. They are all a reflection of giving into the delusion that having them will make me happy. And, as with eating like crap or cheating on the competition diet, once I have them (or eat what I think I want), there is always that moment of regret, when the illusion of the moment is washed away, and I am left with the reality that it didn't even come close to doing for me what I thought it would. If fact, it does the opposite. because eating junk lends to eating more junk, and spending money lends to spending more money.
So, when I have a hollow day, like today, it does me good to remember that the idea that eating crap will make me feel better is actually a delusion. Does it mean that I don't give into cravings sometimes? Of course not. Ok...right now, I don't, but when I am not in competition mode I do. And I have learned that I can enjoy the simple ones, like having a Stevia in my coffee, a bit of feta on my salad, or a little soy sauce on my brown rice, rather than gorging myself on a cheat meal of pizza and cookies with ice cream on it (which I used to do once weekly and wonder why I couldn't lean out more). In my social network there is a saying, "Keep It Simple." I guess this applies to this area of my life just like it does the others...and like being happy with my older car, my house that isn't in the perfect neighborhood and needs new carpet, and loving the hand me down and thrift store clothes I wear everyday...keeping it simple has a bit of wisdom that brings peace...even on the hollow days. :)
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