Whoa!

Ok.  I just have to say I am okay.  I'm not depressed. Or hating myself. Or sitting around obsessed with whether I put on a pound or two.  Honestly, when you have an infant, you truly don't have time for all that.  Or I don't, at least.

I was really taken back when I had a few people reach out and tell me they were concerned with how hard/harsh I was being with myself.  When I go back and read the last blog post, I can see how someone can think that.  So I feel the need to address it here. I can see how someone can think of parts of the post as being harsh, but to do so is not looking at the big picture of what I wrote.  My intention was not self-abuse.  Self-abuse is not my reality, either.  In fact, I was telling on the part of me that wants to do that, and saying what I have found works against it.  Self-abuse is not my reality.  There may be times when I am not happy with what I see in the mirror, but who is?  There may be times when I wish I could fit into different clothes, but who doesn't?  There may be times when I call myself names and put myself down.  I have no control over the first thoughts, but I do have control over what I do with them.  

My hope with the last post was to be truthful about the lies my head tells me about my body in the hope that someone else can relate.  These are the truths about the first thoughts, and I am not going apologize for them.  Again, I don't take ownership of them. Acknowledging these thoughts does not make them reality.  Ignoring them can.  Acknowledging them and still doing nothing about it can also make it my reality.  My point in the last post is the number one defense against these thoughts is action.  If I want to get healthier, then I have to take action.  I can't think my way into being healthier.  It reminds me of the old riddle, "Three frogs are on a log.  One decides to jump.  How many frogs are left?   .....   Three frogs are left, because the one frog only made a decision."  Decisions require action to bring about the desired change.  Pointing this out and discussing it isn't being hard on myself.  

The truth is that I literally love the gym.  I WANT to work hard, so my high expectations are not self-abuse, they are a labor of love.  I can mold and change my body through weight training.  I love this.  And losing weight isn't my ultimate goal.  Being healthier is.  I know lots of people who are obsessed with the number on the scale and believe that having a smaller number makes them healthier.  For a lot of people, that couldn't be any further from the truth.  I want to be healthy.  Yes, I want to lose weight, but I also want to build strength, build endurance, eat clean/organic (even raw).  I actually care more about those things than a number on a scale.  I want to look healthy.  I love my curves.  I love that I can put on a ton of muscle.  I think a woman with muscle tone is beautiful, and I can't get that if I am not healthy.  

At the end of the day, I embrace my womanhood.  I embrace that I am a mother.  I love it, and if I had to keep my post-baby body forever in return for my beautiful daughter, I would do so without another thought.  But I don't have to. At the end of the day, embracing who I am means shining light on the dark parts of myself (and my thought processes) so that they don't become my reality.  

Excuses

There is always an excuse we can find to not to what it is we need to do.  And when we do, there is always a consequence to face.

My excuses this week were weak and plenty, and as a result, I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday.  Actually, Tuesday is the only day I have been to the gym since unveiling this blog.  How ironic, huh?  On Tuesday, I worked back and biceps, but decided to skip hamstrings and didn't do any cardio.  And when I don't get in the gym, I pay NO mind whatsoever to diet.  Which means a LOT of eating out this week, and I never make good choices when I eat out.

Well...if I am going to put it all out there, I have to put it all out there.  This isn't about me putting my good face forward, it's about me being real.  And honest.  And accountable.  So here I am, doing all three.

As I stated earlier, when I make excuses, there is always a consequence to face.  Good, bad or indifferent, there is always a consequence.  And we have to decide to either face it or continue to lie to ourselves and make even more excuses.

My consequence is that I put on 2.4 pounds this week.  I haven't done my measurements yet, but we all know that's not going to have positive outcomes either.  That is not fun.  Instead of seeing any real progress next week, I will be getting back to where I was last week.  I could lie to myself and say this is progress, but when looking at the situation as a whole, it's truly just getting back to where I already was.  FYI...this is not me beating myself up.  It IS me telling on a very insidious mindset that can set me up for failure.  Do you get what I am saying?  If not, I will review it, as I see this all the time because it's a widely held mindset.  If I make progress and then backslide, then getting back the progress I already made it not more progress.  A lot of people may argue this point with me, and I am not going to argue it.  I'm stating logical fact.  And it's important for me to acknowledge this, otherwise I will rationalize myself into a yo-yo pattern - a yo-yo pattern that has defined my entire workout life.

Let me explain...I work really hard for a time period - sometimes 1 week, sometimes 1 months, sometimes even a few months.  Eventually I have a period where I slack off for a week - I skip the gym a few times, I eat like crap, and I just don't do what I know works.  I put on a few pounds, an eight or a quarter of an inch, a percentage of body fat.  I feel sluggish, my mind doesn't work like it should.  I get back in the gym, on the diet, and doing what I know works.  When I again lose those few pounds, that eighth or quarter of an inch, that body fat percentage, I call it a victory and celebrate it.  Not that it isn't to be celebrated, and I will talk about the mentality of self-sabotage in a minute, but this is not a new learning experience.  I repeat it over and over and over again.  I KNOW what happens when I don't do what I know works.  It was once a valuable reminder of what happens when I don't do it, but the outcome is now quite predictable.  As a result, falling into this pattern of laziness and then celebrating it is INSANITY.  Period.

Of course, the last statement I just made is an example of black/white thinking, and I don't live in a black/white world.  There are times when shades of gray come into play.  Like this week, for example.  Jenna was up in the middle of the night a few days in a row.  As a result, I am exhausted the next day.  I literally don't have the energy to walk across the house, much less drag my butt to the gym.  This is real and it is reality.  I know I will feel better when I go to the gym, but if she is up again that next night, then my body doesn't get a chance to recover from my workout like it should, and I am doubly exhausted the next day.  This is also real and reality.  So I also have to take this into account when I am considering my feelings about the scale, and my feelings about measurements in just a few minutes.

Another truth for me is that I don't consider either point of view when I step on the scale.  What does happen is a barrage of insults that I throw at myself...things that include the words...fat, lazy, always, never, can't...  As in, "you're fat" "you're lazy" "you always do this" "you'll never lose this weight, and will always be fat" "husband will never find you attractive" "you just can't do this"  Harsh, I know.  But the reality of what my head says in that moment, as I look at the numbers 194.6 on the scale.  And in that moment, I have a choice to the listen to those lies or not.  I have a choice to believe what that voice in my head is telling me or not.  And what choice I make determines my outcomes.  It determines whether I lace up my shoes and head to the gym today - or whether I sit around and eat crap all day.  It determines whether I go tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

So although there are shades of gray, the action itself IS black or white.  I either do it or I don't.  Period.  Today I can forgive myself for not being perfect, and I can acknowledge that life is shades of gray.  But...and there has to be a but...I absolutely cannot use shades of gray as an excuse for not taking action.  Because if I do, it is insanity.  And I will be living in the realm of make believe.  The realm of always, nevers and can'ts.  There is no defense against always and nevers and can'ts.  And although it is just as insane to call myself fat and lazy, there IS a defense against that - because when I pick up the weights or I get on the step mill, the same body I look at in the mirror at home a loath becomes an object worthy of my respect.  I may not be happy with my body, but I can change it.  And I'm far from lazy.  I'm intense.  I'm motivated.  And I can choose not to give into the insanity that keeps me complacent.

It's insane how our brains can lie to us.  It's insane how we believe those lies.  For just a moment this morning, I almost believed the lies.  Now I'm off to the gym to prove that voice wrong and change my reality.  Yet another confirmation that action is the key to combating that insanity...no matter what way it manifests itself...:)

Speaking of ego...

I want my strength back! :)

Leave your ego at the door...

I don't think I have to explain how hard it can be to walk into the gym for the first time - whether the first time ever, the first time in months/years or the first time in days.  It's intimidating.  Your mind tells you everyone is staring at you.  You can't hide from yourself because everywhere you look is a floor to ceiling mirror (except in the cardio section - thank goodness for this...I don't think anyone looks sexy doing cardio!).  

And for me, my ego is screaming at me.    

Incessant, loud, overpowering.  Telling me it's all or nothing.  Reminding me of where I once was...

How do I battle the ego?  I get my ass in there and I do the work.  I remind myself that I once was where I was as a result of hard work.  I am not the girl who does cardio for a bit and loses weight.  I work out hard 6 days a week and my results come in very small increments.  It's why my goals are weight, measurements, and body fat, as well as increases in strength and endurance.  I HAVE to monitor multiple areas to see progress sometimes.  My experience in the past has taught me that some weeks I don't see a change in the scale, the tape measurements or the body fat percentage, but I do see increases in strength and/or endurance.  Some weeks I may see an increase in the scale, but a decrease in measurements.  Some weeks I can see any variation of any of these, and it gives me hope because I am not tied to one way of seeing progress.  Even though my ego wants to tell me different.

I don't know how it works for other people, but the minute I start moving doing cardio, pushing weights or doing plyometrics, everything gets quiet.  And I remember it is not all or nothing.  I may not be where I was, but the only way I will get back there is by doing the work.  Nothing else.  The works shuts up my ego.  And I remember that this is my place, my sanctuary, my meditation.  This is where I come to decompress, to get it all out.  I love the burn. I love the sweat. I love having nothing left at the end.  I love walking out the door with my head held high, my ego in check.  At least for that day.

Tomorrow is another day.  And the ego will start again.  One day at a time.  One weight at a time.  I progress.

The pictures...

The last post was long and I didn't want to start a whole different topic at the end, but I need to address the pictures....

I guess I should actually say the making of the pictures...

I had JP take those after a workout on Saturday, 4/9/11.  I am taking these for a reason.  They hopefully one day will be tangible proof of where my body once was.  For now, they are proof that my body is where it is.  

I had my husband take them, and as you can see, I have my head hung in shame.  I was burning with shame, and at the end, I was in tears.  It was so hard for me to stand there and have him take those pictures.  My husband! He who sees me naked when I get out of the shower, who is my partner, who I have an intensely close relationship with, who knows me better than anyone else in the world.  And I was so ashamed my eyes burned with tears.  It was an intensely vulnerable moment for me. As is this blog.

Just a reminder to anyone who struggles with body issues that it's not easy.  Shining the light on it helps me stay in the solution and keeps me focused on what is real - my health.  

In the beginning...

As some of you know, before finding out I was pregnant, I had started preparation to possibly compete in a bodybuilding show.  I was tracking my measurements and body fat composition every two weeks, staying on a specific macro-nutrient breakdown that was tweeked based on the outcome of the body fat composition and I was tracking the amount of progress I was making per exercise in the gym.  I was tracking how much body fat I was losing and how much muscle I was gaining.  Although not thin, I was getting into the best shape of my life.  I was working toward an initial goal - get to 15% body fat by Christmas and reevaluate from there - with a long-term goal of competing during this season (i.e., right now).

When I start in the fall of 2009, my body fat % was in the upper 30's.  I don't know exactly what it was because I asked not to see it at that time.  I wanted to work toward something and wanted to see it later, when I had made some progress.  I believe it was 36%, but couldn't say for sure.  My last body composition was done on 6/6/10 (5 days before I found out I was pregnant).  My body fat % at that time was 26.69, which was down 0.36% from the Sunday two weeks prior.  I am revisiting this only to let everyone know where I was before I was pregnant.  Well...technically I was pregnant then, but didn't know it.  However, I was only 3 weeks past possible conception, so I wasn't far enough along for it to affect my measurements.  I was going to do body fat composition the week I started back in the gym, but after consulting some people, have decided not to.  The main reason for this is the fact that I have loose skin on my abdomen from having the baby and having a C-section, and this will throw off my overall body fat composition.  As a result, I am going to measure scale weight and tape measurements for now.

Now here I am, 8 weeks postpartum.  I have been back in the gym for two weeks.  Having had a C-section, my doctor didn't clear me to get back in the gym until my 6 week follow up appointment.  Since then, I have been in the gym for at least 5 days per week.  My goal is 6 days - having a 3-day split for lifting and 3 days for cardio.  My split will be: Tuesday - back, biceps, hamstrings / Thursday - chest, triceps, calves / Saturday - shoulders, forearms, quads.  My goal for cardio is 45-60 minutes on the 3 cardio days and either hi-intensity intervals or minimum 20 minutes on lifting days.

My weight on 6/6/10 (my last body measurement date before finding out I was pregnant) was 170.  Honestly, most people are very surprised when they hear this.  I do have to defend myself by pointing out that I have a lot of dense muscle, making me heavier than the average person of my height and measurements.  For example, in my mid-20s, I was in a size 2, but still weighed 128 pounds.  Most people who are my height at that size are hovering around the 100-105 pound mark.  Ok...so enough defending myself...that is not what I am here to do (this is a reminder to myself...).

My final weight before giving birth was 232.  Oh my, I said it!  I can't believe it.  I remember when I told JP that...well...he was blown away.  This means that, start to finish, I put on a full 62 pounds.  A good bit of this was in the first trimester, when I stopped working out and started eating carbs, fruits & sweets.  I worked out through about the end of June - I only know this because I remember working out in the gym at Furman when I was there for a conference.  But after June, I didn't step foot in the gym until 4/6/11.  I did walk around the neighborhood a few times a week, but that stopped when it got cold outside.  The final truth, I didn't work out and I ate just about what I wanted, so I gained 62 pounds.

Of course, I say I don't have to defend myself, but here comes the defense against the weight gain...a lot of it was water weight.  Anyone who saw me in those final weeks can totally confirm this! When I went for my 2 week follow-up with the doctor, I was down to 196.  I had lost 36 pounds without even doing anything!  But I knew that I wasn't going to lose the rest that easily.  Fast forward to 8 weeks postpartum and I was still at 196.  I hadn't gained any, but I hadn't lost any.  And I had to give up breastfeeding because Jenna couldn't latch, so there also went my built-in fat burner...

So...my starting weight getting back in the gym on 4/6/11 was 196.2.  My weight on 4/16/11 was 192.2.  My weight when I found out I was pregnant was 170.  I would like to get back to 170.  I will be tracking my tape measurements as I go, as I tend to lose weight VERY slowly, but see the difference in my measurements (that way I can track if I am losing more in inches, but not so much in weight).  I am not going to use the calipers for body fat composition right now.  I am not sure when I will start tracking the body fat percentage, so I am not going to set a goal in this department yet.

Since I seem to be rambling, I here are my goals:

1. See a steady decrease in weight, with a goal to get back to 170 (my pre-pregnancy weight)

• Measured by digital scale weight each Saturday morning

2. See a steady decline in my tape measurements

• Measured by tape measure each Saturday morning

3. See a steady increase in weight lifted per exercise

• Measured by recording weight/reps/sets during workouts
• Will record whether circuit, Hammer Strength or free weight 
• Will have to record whether working out at Pivotal or Body Tech, as there are variances to weight recorded on equipment due to different manufacturers (varying pulley systems on cable and circuit machines largely explain this variation between gyms)

4. See a steady increase in endurance with cardio (as measured by heart rate)

• Measured by Polar watch & chest band for low to moderate intensity cardio
• Measures by Polar watch/chest band + increase in intervals for high intensity cardio

5. Determine a start date for body fat composition using calipers & start recording once every two weeks. 

6. Diet: I am going to table any decisions about diet for now. 

One final thought....something for people to consider when setting goals in the gym: the scale alone is not a reliable indicator of progress.  Period. If I put on muscle, I may not lose scale weight like I want to.  I can also lose a lot of weight and still have a high body fat percentage.  And I can have a low body fat percentage and a high scale weight.  I have also learned the hard way that diet (and when I say diet, I mean your overall food consciousness or way of eating) is the key to success in seeing progress with the scale, tape measurements and body fat percentage together.  I have chosen not to tackle the diet issue in my goals for now because trying to do so with an infant, a full-time job and a husband who works, has an internship and is in school fill-time is too much.

And here is the hardest part...the part that causes me to pause, to think I may be crazy, to think that you will now see me differently because you have seen me.  The pictures on the left are from 5/23/10 - right before I found out I was pregnant.  The pictures on the right are from 4/9/11 - 6 weeks postpartum (2 weeks ago)...

Front:
The greatest difference is in my bust (+1 in), waist (+ 5 in), my hips (+ 6 in) and thighs (+2 in).  Although the difference everywhere else is <1 inch, the muscle mass is much different.  I am ready to have my muscles back!

Side:

Rear (no doubt I have a rear!):

And so my journey continues....

Thanks for the support!

What's the point?

They say life is a journey, not a destination.  Do you ever ask yourself, "What's the point?"

This is a question that has come to mind when I think about this blog - the idea, the implementation of the idea, what I might include, what direction it might take...

Which is exactly the point!  I, like millions of other women, suffer from self-doubt.  I can be overly critical of my body - wanting perfection - and experiencing a great deal of shame because I am no where close to the ideal I would like to have.

Another point is that it takes WORK to achieve an ideal.  It takes work to mold a body, to recover from a lifetime of bad lifestyle choices, to recover from having a baby.  I know some women who naturally bounce back, who lose the weight without too much work, who don't even look like they were even pregnant just weeks (and in some cases, days) after having a baby.  That's not me.  And it's not a lot of women.

When I told my Mom about the idea of starting a blog to record my postpartum recovery, she shared that it might be a bad idea, that maybe I shouldn't openly share something so personal.  I thought about that for a bit, because I was having the same thoughts, but in the end decided that I needed to do this.

So here I am, bearing my soul (and my body) for your inspection, in the hopes that even one woman benefits from me doing so.  And in the process of shedding light on it, I will find purpose and become free of the shame that I feel regarding my body right now.  I will find purpose.

And I will do so in real time...not at the end of the journey...which is extremely difficult because there is no saying, "well, that was me then, BUT look at me now" to make me feel better about it all.  It is me...right here...right now...with all of my imperfections, extra weight - and even self-doubt.

Here I am...this is my work...this is my journey...