As many of you know, who know me, I am not a fan of social media. I had Facebook for a while, and My Space before it, and it never brought anything positive to my life. Sure, I had a bunch of superficial relationships with people I would either 1. not be friends with otherwise, or 2. in some cases ever meet or see again (as in the case of the people I met once through other people years ago or people who I just didn't turn down when they friended me saying that we had a mutual friend). Further proof this theory (that it's superficial...just to clarify)...the fact that I sent my contact information to everyone on my friends list (all 700+), asking them to do the same if they would like to stay in touch, and I got less than 20 replies. I even got messages that said people would miss seeing my pictures (i.e., really Jenna's pictures) but no return contact information.
Which brings me to the idea of social media other than the obvious FB & Twitter. I recently, at the suggestion of a friend, checked out site that is for women in the fitness industry. And there is a lot of good information on there, especially on topics like metabolic issue and all. It is set up in a social networking kind of way, where people start threads and other can subscribe and comment. There is a section for introductions, for training logs, to find others who may be looking for roommates at shows, for products, etc. I decided pretty quickly to try to introduce myself, which was ok. And then I started a training log, which was also okay. But almost immediately, I found myself checking back...more and more often. Within a week....a week...I realized I was increasingly anxious, especially with anything I considered criticism or judgement...and that I was starting to get full of fear and questioning my competition prep. This in turn led me to start becoming more and more self-consumed, resulting in more anxiety.
So I stopped. I resigned from my training log. Stopped checking in on the site. I immediately experienced peace - the anxiety went away. And I have been at peace since. Sure I have my moments where I question whether I will really be ready - and from what I can see, this is a normal thing, especially for a first show. I know I am not going to be perfectly conditioned, ready for a national show or any of the above. It's a goal to get on the stage and do it...and then decide from them. To have the experience for the experience.
As I started writing the training log, I asked myself how that was different than this blog. At first, I didn't put much into that passing thought. But as my anxiety grew, I did. I did (and do) this blog just as much - or more - to document this process for me - and for those closest to me. Anyone can read it, but the people who normally follow it are people who know me. My motive from the beginning with the training log on that site was for self-promotion. I can dress it up and call it something else, but that was what it was. As a result, every view and comment after that was something that either supported or did not support my self-promotion. Hence the anxiety. I have had to ask myself before if this blog is self-promotion. Of course, on some level, writing about yourself is a self-consumed activity, but there is a distinction. First and foremost, people rarely comment on here. I literally only know of one person who reads every post I put on here (Hi Justin!), so I don't seek affirmation or confirmation from blogging. I started it as a motivator for myself, and if you go back to the original posts, they are pretty raw. And they still can be. I usually try to end on a high note, but I also try to be honest about what I am thinking and feeling through this process. I don't feel a need to defend myself - or prove anything here. I don't feel a need to careful construct my words to account for this person or that person or to avoid the comments I knew would come from some people. Here, I am me. Just like my tag line says...this is me...this is my journey.
What I have learned about social media - for me - is that it doesn't work. It forces me to put faith in superficial feedback (that is what happens when I feel good or bad based in the content, nature or amount - or lack of - comments or interaction on there), causing me to lose focus on what is real, which is what is tangibly in front of me. My training is solid. My nutrition is healthy. I'm not using any supplements (save for protein powder) and I am accountable to my sponsor, my coach, my husband and a handful of people who are friends in the industry. I am still on an amount of calories that are considered more than maintenance for a lot of people and my cardio is still at a rate that is normal for many people off-season. I feel good about the process, and I am not striving for perfection - just progress. That is validation enough for me. Just like some people can drink like normal people and others can eat less restrictive than I am at the moment and get good results, some people can use social media and not feel like it's sucking the spirit out of them. I am not one of those people, and I am okay with that. So, I will blog. And be content with it.
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