I can't take credit for the use of the term "hollow day" to describe one of those days where you are hungry, even right after you eat. I have to admit that it was a line in one of the Hunger Games books, but I remember it because it was a perfect description of it.
The feeling I am having is similar to what I feel right before I start my period - a general sense of hungry that won't go away, even after having eaten. I'm quite a few days into my caloric drop, so I know this is not the reason for it. It's just one of those days. I actually had a lot more of them when I was eating junk all the time, and they are more rare now than anytime I can remember. But they still suck - because on these days I think about all of the stuff I think I want to eat (that I really don't want, but are fun to daydream about - not unlike a new car or designer clothes) a lot more.
So I will indulge the obsession for just one moment...because yesterday I really wanted a blueberry muffin with cream cheese I saw in the conference room, or a piece of the cheese and Jenna and JP ate yesterday afternoon, and Jenna's turkey sausage smelled like something supernatural this morning. And I would love to have Stevia in my coffee, a piece of gum, salsa, soy sauce, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray, fruit, feta cheese, half & half, and turkey bacon as a part of my healthy rotation of foods. But that is not to be right now.
Actually I can find gratitude, even in the obsession, because I realize that it's all a facade - just like wanting a new car or designer clothes. In the end, I truly want to be healthy, to see the results of the hard work I put in, and I know that having one of those blueberry muffins with cream cheese in them that are sitting in the conference room won't get me there - even when I am not on a competition diet. In following the previous comparison, I have had a new car, and it still got me from point A to point B - and now that car is 8 years old and paid off, and I like not having a car payment much better than I like the idea of having a new car. Same thing with designer clothes, a new house, the latest toys and so on. They are all a reflection of giving into the delusion that having them will make me happy. And, as with eating like crap or cheating on the competition diet, once I have them (or eat what I think I want), there is always that moment of regret, when the illusion of the moment is washed away, and I am left with the reality that it didn't even come close to doing for me what I thought it would. If fact, it does the opposite. because eating junk lends to eating more junk, and spending money lends to spending more money.
So, when I have a hollow day, like today, it does me good to remember that the idea that eating crap will make me feel better is actually a delusion. Does it mean that I don't give into cravings sometimes? Of course not. Ok...right now, I don't, but when I am not in competition mode I do. And I have learned that I can enjoy the simple ones, like having a Stevia in my coffee, a bit of feta on my salad, or a little soy sauce on my brown rice, rather than gorging myself on a cheat meal of pizza and cookies with ice cream on it (which I used to do once weekly and wonder why I couldn't lean out more). In my social network there is a saying, "Keep It Simple." I guess this applies to this area of my life just like it does the others...and like being happy with my older car, my house that isn't in the perfect neighborhood and needs new carpet, and loving the hand me down and thrift store clothes I wear everyday...keeping it simple has a bit of wisdom that brings peace...even on the hollow days. :)
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