I started smoking when I was 12. Yes, 12. Craziness, I know. By the time I was 16 I was smoking a pack a day. That frequency went up deramatically during my drinking and drugging years, and settled back to about a pack a day when I got sober. It stayed that way until October 13, 2008 - my quit date.
Was it steelish self-will? A desire to be healthy for myself, for my loved ones? Was I just sick and tired of it all? Yes, yes and yes. But this, in and of itself, was not enough. But let me back up for a moment...and tell the story of how this all came about...
It was October 11, 2008. JP and I were in Edisto. We were riding down the road and I lit a cigarette and mused out loud that I thought I might set a quit date. He sarcastically replied, "When, in 2011?" I had my own sarcastic reply..."How about when I finish this pack, a$$hole!?" It sounds so contentious, but it was joking, ribbing sarcasm, as JP and I aren't mean to one another. And anyone who knows us, who knows our banter, can probably imagine how that conversation went. This was a Saturday and we were heading back from picking up a pack at the store, so I had a pack to finish. I was joking, but the statement planted a seed that grew. What IF? What if I did quit after that pack?
Let's back up a little more...
I first started quitting smoking in 2003. A previous relationship with someone who hated my smoking. Every two weeks we would make a deal that I would quit smoking if he would quit dipping. Neither one of us ever stuck to our end of the bargain. I tried gum. I tried patches. From the time I would put the cigarettes down I would obsess. I couldn't think about anything else but trying not to smoke, wanting to have just one, or obsess over watching other people smoke. The most I lasted then was 2 weeks and picking up a cigarette was a relief every time. I had a genuine desire to not smoke. But my genuine desire wasn't enough. Neither was the criticism and dislike of my then-partner. I knew I could lose my relationship over being a smoker (although, in my defense, he did know I was a smoker from the first date and thought he could change me...my first real sign that the relationship was doomed before it began). The obsession won out. I didn't want to be a smoker. But the obsession won out. An obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. And the obsession won every single time.
Fast forward to 2008. I am back in the gym (after a hiatus from about 2004 on). Lumbering through workouts because I can't breathe. JP was very supportive. He expressed that he didn't like my smoking, but knew that I was a smoker when he started dating me and wasn't going to try to change me. I had thought about quitting but had no real desire to, although I was motivated to think about it when I was working out. My mom was a smoker, so no pressure there. My dad was a smoker, so no pressure there. Most of my friends were smokers, so no pressure there (save for my roommate, who hated it when I smoked in the car). I guess I am saying all of this to say that the thought I mused out loud on October 11, 2008, did not come from a place of outside pressure - or even a place of more than passing internal reflection. That one thought became an obsession of it's own. Instead of wanting to quit and obsessing over smoking...the thought of quitting fleetingly crossed my mind and grew to take hold over the desire to continue smoking. We were on a weekend trip with some friends and would be staying through Sunday night. I had one pack left and I stretched it through the rest of the time we were in Edisto. I had my last cigarette at around 11pm on Octotber 12, 2011.
I had moments where I struggled in the beginning. I called JP a lot for support. I had a comparison point, though, and this time was WAY different than when I had tried to quit before. Even from the first day, the obsession would hit periodically, but it would often pass quickly. I stated above that I have steelish self-will. Anyone who has been locked in a debate with me can attest to this. Lol. Seriously, though...self-will holds no power when the brain is hijacked the way it is in the case of addictions, especially with nicotine. If you are confused by this statement, then go back and read the paragraph that starts with me talking about first starting to quit in 2003. The self will is powerless in in the face of an obsession that crowds out all other thoughts. But there was peace. Despite the fact that I had no pressure, no real desire, no circumstances that made wanting or needing to quit an imminent thought...
I give credit to my Higher Power. The one thing that always gave me perfect peace and set my mind at ease during the month or two following my last cigarette was something JP shared with me about when he quit smoking. He said that he saw quitting as a contract between him and God. He knew God would honor his desire to quit by removing the obsession, but He could only do this if he didn't put the substance in his body. Of course, I had experience with this...seeing as I was 10 years sober when I quit smoking...but having JP say it to me and remind me of it gave me such peace and comfort. It wasn't a replacement thought. There was no struggle. There was just peace.
And today, I can't even remember what it was like to be a smoker. I can't recall what it was like to hold a cigarette, to light it, to draw that first drag off of it. It's funny...there is a little anxiety that happens when I write it out that graphically. There is something in my brain that remembers, but it's nothing like the euphoric recall that happens when I describe what a drink or what cocaine felt like. I literally can't remember what it was like to smoke, even though I smoked for 20 years (yup....started at 12, quit at 32...scary isn't it?). That is grace, plain and simple. And I am grateful for it.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Ahhhhh....the comfort of Paleo...
When not in prep mode, our preferential way of eating is Paleo, so we have been getting back to that way of prepping and eating food. One of things I love about Paleo is all of the great recipes! This past Sunday was my first day back to prepping a week full-on Paleo. The last two weeks we did Paleo chili and Paleo jambalaya for some of our meals (two of my faves, especially when it starts cooling down). Sunday I prepped an old favorite - good old fashioned BBQ - as well as trying three new recipes - nutty meat loaf, Paleo crispy orange chicken and jalapeno glazed chicken.
The BBQ is so easy, it's ridiculous to pay for it anywhere. I cooked an 8 pound Boston butt in 1 cup apple cider vinegar (starts out sweet but this gives it a real kick once it's cooked all the way), red pepper flakes, garlic and sea salt. Throw it all in the crock pot and cook on low for 8 hours. Except...it actually took about 12 hours...but whose counting! Lol. It turned out great, although I usually like it a little more spicy then it came out.
The orange chicken recipe I is supposed to have coconut flour for the frying base, but I didn't have any, so I substituted flax meal instead. That is good and bad. The flax meal turned dark when frying (in coconut oil), so it looks like burned chunks of chicken rather than what you normally see. One advantage to cooking Paleo is that you realize that Paleo-adapted food rarely looks like their non-Paleo versions. The sauce turned out great and it tasted good. I am looking forward to doing it with the coconut flour next time, as the flax meal is a little thick and it has an earthy taste.
The nutty meatloaf really wasn't a stretch from regular meatloaf, so I knew that would turn out ok. At the end of the day you can substitute a variety of things for the bread crumbs normally used in meatloaf - in this case I used....tada!...flax meal! It turned out really good. I think I'll try almond meal or almonds/walnuts that I put through the food processor next time, along with flax seeds.
With any cooking, there are recipes that turn out good and there are recipes that turn out...not so good. The recipe disaster of the day this past Sunday was the jalepeno glazed chicken. The recipe started out so nicely, but my first clue that things were not going to turn out as planned was when the "glaze" didn't thicken in a glaze. It was still very runny, even after simmering for a LONG time. As a result, I proceeded with putting that on the chicken and putting it in the oven. Bad idea. I set the timer and went about my business. JP was the one who went to take it out, and all I saw when I turned the corner to the kitchen was smoke billowing out of the oven. What was supposed to be delicious jalepeno glazed chicken turned out to be...burnt to a crisp chicken. JP was really excited about that one, though, so I may try to tweak that recipe in the coming weeks to see if I can make it work.
The last thing I made this past weekend was on a whim. We went to an apple farm while we were in the mountains a few weekends ago and we bought a bushel of apples. We still have a whole half of the bag left and they are starting to go bad, so I simmered sliced apples in water and cinnamon, ran them through the big daddy blender and we now have homemade apple sauce!
All and all, our first weekend back cooking full Paleo was a success. One advantage to eating Paleo is that, since I started my competition prep Easter weekend, there are 10 times as many recipes online, so I have an endless amount of Paleo recipes to try! And it breaks up the monotony of paring macros, which just gets boring after a while. :)
We are super slammed, so I don't even have the chance to be regular with my gym schedule - some weeks I am able to make it twice and others five times. My strength is good. My endurance is good. I am happy with just going with the flow, and anticipate that I will sit down at the end of this month and actually write out specific goals so I can get back on track with really working in the gym. I anticipate that I have about 4-5 months of "off season" to go until I start competition prep for the spring (depending on what show I decide to do), so it is about time to get back on track with setting goals and being disciplined in the gym. Woohoo!
That is about it to report for now. As I get more structured, I am sure I will have a desire to write more frequently!
The BBQ is so easy, it's ridiculous to pay for it anywhere. I cooked an 8 pound Boston butt in 1 cup apple cider vinegar (starts out sweet but this gives it a real kick once it's cooked all the way), red pepper flakes, garlic and sea salt. Throw it all in the crock pot and cook on low for 8 hours. Except...it actually took about 12 hours...but whose counting! Lol. It turned out great, although I usually like it a little more spicy then it came out.
The orange chicken recipe I is supposed to have coconut flour for the frying base, but I didn't have any, so I substituted flax meal instead. That is good and bad. The flax meal turned dark when frying (in coconut oil), so it looks like burned chunks of chicken rather than what you normally see. One advantage to cooking Paleo is that you realize that Paleo-adapted food rarely looks like their non-Paleo versions. The sauce turned out great and it tasted good. I am looking forward to doing it with the coconut flour next time, as the flax meal is a little thick and it has an earthy taste.
The nutty meatloaf really wasn't a stretch from regular meatloaf, so I knew that would turn out ok. At the end of the day you can substitute a variety of things for the bread crumbs normally used in meatloaf - in this case I used....tada!...flax meal! It turned out really good. I think I'll try almond meal or almonds/walnuts that I put through the food processor next time, along with flax seeds.
With any cooking, there are recipes that turn out good and there are recipes that turn out...not so good. The recipe disaster of the day this past Sunday was the jalepeno glazed chicken. The recipe started out so nicely, but my first clue that things were not going to turn out as planned was when the "glaze" didn't thicken in a glaze. It was still very runny, even after simmering for a LONG time. As a result, I proceeded with putting that on the chicken and putting it in the oven. Bad idea. I set the timer and went about my business. JP was the one who went to take it out, and all I saw when I turned the corner to the kitchen was smoke billowing out of the oven. What was supposed to be delicious jalepeno glazed chicken turned out to be...burnt to a crisp chicken. JP was really excited about that one, though, so I may try to tweak that recipe in the coming weeks to see if I can make it work.
The last thing I made this past weekend was on a whim. We went to an apple farm while we were in the mountains a few weekends ago and we bought a bushel of apples. We still have a whole half of the bag left and they are starting to go bad, so I simmered sliced apples in water and cinnamon, ran them through the big daddy blender and we now have homemade apple sauce!
All and all, our first weekend back cooking full Paleo was a success. One advantage to eating Paleo is that, since I started my competition prep Easter weekend, there are 10 times as many recipes online, so I have an endless amount of Paleo recipes to try! And it breaks up the monotony of paring macros, which just gets boring after a while. :)
We are super slammed, so I don't even have the chance to be regular with my gym schedule - some weeks I am able to make it twice and others five times. My strength is good. My endurance is good. I am happy with just going with the flow, and anticipate that I will sit down at the end of this month and actually write out specific goals so I can get back on track with really working in the gym. I anticipate that I have about 4-5 months of "off season" to go until I start competition prep for the spring (depending on what show I decide to do), so it is about time to get back on track with setting goals and being disciplined in the gym. Woohoo!
That is about it to report for now. As I get more structured, I am sure I will have a desire to write more frequently!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Yeah...yeah...yeah...
It's funny, I have seen a number of friends who blog fall off the map when they are not in competition prep mode. I am seeing that this is me, too. I am back to eating clean most of the time. Ok...we had Oreos last night, but I am just over being super rigid for a while. I am working out about 4 days per week, which is enough to keep me motivated, but also enough to allow me to do other things in the afternoons sometimes. We have been out of town a lot, which disrupts both our normal eating and our normal workout schedule, but after months of being hyper-disciplined, it is really nice to just go with it.
Last week and this week, I have been doing pyramid sets I start out with a low weight and add 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I go to failure at a weight, usually sticking at 8 reps, and then dropping down by 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I am stripped of all weight. For example, on chest day, I did incline press for bar (45lb) x 10, then added 5lbs per side for: 55x10, 65x10, 75x10, 85x10, 95x10, 105x8, and then back down - 95x10, 85x10, 75x10, 65x10, 55x10 and 45x10. I was happy to get up to 105 with that many sets/reps, and you get to the end and that bar feels like a million pounds. Normally 95 pounds is my starting weight for incline, just to give an idea of what I normally do. I did the same yesterday for seated military press, starting with the bar and adding weight, but I burned out at 95x8. It's ok, though, because my shoulders were blown up.
Another thing I have been doing is plyometrics at the end of my workout rather than traditional cardio. I can see a difference in my conditioning and I am able to do plyos for longer periods of time without stopping or without falling over/losing balance/etc.
Nothing new otherwise! :)
Last week and this week, I have been doing pyramid sets I start out with a low weight and add 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I go to failure at a weight, usually sticking at 8 reps, and then dropping down by 5 pounds for sets of 10 until I am stripped of all weight. For example, on chest day, I did incline press for bar (45lb) x 10, then added 5lbs per side for: 55x10, 65x10, 75x10, 85x10, 95x10, 105x8, and then back down - 95x10, 85x10, 75x10, 65x10, 55x10 and 45x10. I was happy to get up to 105 with that many sets/reps, and you get to the end and that bar feels like a million pounds. Normally 95 pounds is my starting weight for incline, just to give an idea of what I normally do. I did the same yesterday for seated military press, starting with the bar and adding weight, but I burned out at 95x8. It's ok, though, because my shoulders were blown up.
Another thing I have been doing is plyometrics at the end of my workout rather than traditional cardio. I can see a difference in my conditioning and I am able to do plyos for longer periods of time without stopping or without falling over/losing balance/etc.
Nothing new otherwise! :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
More about the apple and tree and all...
Ok. Before I elaborate on the apple and tree reference, I will give a quick update on me. Which is that there really is nothing exciting to relate. Although I did not compete, I experienced all of the things that people who do compete experience - such as gym burnout, making a LOT of cheating exceptions in diet, and so forth. I have put about 5-8 pounds back on...mostly water and all, as I went from being somewhat flattened out to full again. I have been to the gym a couple of times a week, but have only done low/moderate intensity cardio once. I have done high intensity cardio a few times a week, even at home, as it keeps me from feeling like a slug. I introduced a pre-workout back into my routine, as I was feeling like a slug while lifting, and that somehow gives me a boost. I think it's more psychological than anything, but hey, I will do what works. My strength has been going back up and I changed up my training.
I realized pretty quickly that I need something new, so JP and I trained with a strength coach this weekend who trains Olympic lifters around the world. That was fun. I have not done true Olympic lifting since high school, so I really enjoyed it. It was really more of a fundamentals session, getting the basic mechanics of the lifts, but I had fun and we have decided to do this on Saturdays when we are home. It was interesting, how years can make a difference in muscle memory. When I was in high school, I went to a school where we did mostly Olympic lifts to prep for sports, and Olympic lifting was the first thing I ever did. I used to love it. And I realized a couple of months ago when I tried to practice a snatch with just a bar that I didn't even have the fundamentals anymore. So doing this is refreshing this for me, and although I picked it up a little quicker than JP (probably because I am much closer to the ground than he is...lol), none of it felt familiar in anyway. I was having to focus very hard on relaxing the shoulders, turning the knuckles down, turning the elbows out, exploding through the legs and popping with the hips, and keeping on my heels. And this was with a 8 pound training bar! Lol. It was nice to change it up, and my brain turned on.
I'll be working the show I was going to compete in this weekend, and that usually fires me back up, too.
So...on to the apple and tree...
Jenna doing her front double bicep pose...
I realized pretty quickly that I need something new, so JP and I trained with a strength coach this weekend who trains Olympic lifters around the world. That was fun. I have not done true Olympic lifting since high school, so I really enjoyed it. It was really more of a fundamentals session, getting the basic mechanics of the lifts, but I had fun and we have decided to do this on Saturdays when we are home. It was interesting, how years can make a difference in muscle memory. When I was in high school, I went to a school where we did mostly Olympic lifts to prep for sports, and Olympic lifting was the first thing I ever did. I used to love it. And I realized a couple of months ago when I tried to practice a snatch with just a bar that I didn't even have the fundamentals anymore. So doing this is refreshing this for me, and although I picked it up a little quicker than JP (probably because I am much closer to the ground than he is...lol), none of it felt familiar in anyway. I was having to focus very hard on relaxing the shoulders, turning the knuckles down, turning the elbows out, exploding through the legs and popping with the hips, and keeping on my heels. And this was with a 8 pound training bar! Lol. It was nice to change it up, and my brain turned on.
I'll be working the show I was going to compete in this weekend, and that usually fires me back up, too.
So...on to the apple and tree...
Jenna doing her front double bicep pose...
If you ask her to show her biceop pose, she will do one arm and say, "Boom!"
Also, Jenna loves to mimick Daddy and his at home workouts. Here is another video of her "doing" pull ups and push ups. In this first video, most of the time she is hanging is her holding her own bodyweight...
:)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Apple and tree and all...
Last night as I was walking through our doorway that has our pull up bar on it, Jenna reached up like she wanted to pull up. I pushed her up and the mimicked doing pull ups like she sees us doing. At the end, I loosened up my grip, and she hung on the bar holding her own weight. JP and I were really surprised that she was able to do this. Later in the evening, when we were coming out to say goodnight to Daddy, she grabbed at the pull up bar again, and here is the video of her doing it - only this time, she pulls herself up for one on her own (you can hear JP say, "Oh my gosh" right after)....
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Mommy & Daddy were so proud!!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Back to life...
Back to reality...
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Remember that song?
One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep. This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle. But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.
From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it. And conversations with people. Plans you make or avoid making. Mirrors and your view of yourself. It's a mental shift into it. Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.
The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed. We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit. In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping. Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was. I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond. I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing. My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4. Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups. Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture.
JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice. And we did it without an argument. Ha! I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout. I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts. I was sore in a different way from it, too. And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan! Woohoo! I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!). Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.
Same with food. It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food. I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!). This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too. Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.
I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me. Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat. Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat. We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home. I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot. And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in. I just needed to be active for a minute. Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night. We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine.
The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep. I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings. Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing. That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.
So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring. My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May. I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again. There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's. But all is not lost from this experience. I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically. As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with. Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress. So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success. :)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Pulling the plug...
Have you ever known you needed to make a decision, but wanted to wait to make sure it's the decision you needed to make? Well, that is the way I have been feeling about this show. Yesterday I made the final decision to pull the plug on it and not do it. And I found peace in the decision.
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
The truth is that I have known for a while that I wouldn't be ready in time. I have talked it about it some here, but truly in my heart I have known it for about 5 weeks, and kept moving forward just to see. I have felt very convicted about it this week. The major factor that keeps playing around in my head is my body fat percentage. Although this is not a hard and fast rule, nor an exact science, my body fat percentage - though in the normal range for a healthy, athletic female - is not in the range it needs to be to be at a minimum conditioning level to get on stage. Yes, I could get on stage just for the sake of the experience, but there has to be a bare minimum cut off somewhere, just in the interest of being realistic. Because the stage is not forgiving. Another thing is that my stomach, though much smaller, still hasn't tightened up - and a competition suit and posing would only accentuate that. Same with my rear end. Another thing you can't hide on stage is ANY jiggle, and I would have some, so....yeah...not ready for all that. :) Add to that the financial strains it would put on us, and I knew it was the right thing.
And I have peace with that decision. Now it's time to step back, regroup and plan for the spring. In the meantime, I will enjoy having Stevia in my coffee again!
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