Back to life...

Back to reality...

Remember that song? 

One thing I was so aware of this weekend is how much of my life I have been limiting due to competition prep.  This is a normal aspect of it, and it is part of the commitment that some people can't handle.  But you just forget when you are in it all just how much you adjust your life to accommodate it.

From prepping and carrying food to being unfaltering with workouts and cardio, so much of your daily life is dominated by it.  And conversations with people.  Plans you make or avoid making.  Mirrors and your view of yourself.  It's a mental shift into it.  Shifting out of it this weekend was a surreal experience.

The first thing I noticed was how my awareness of my body changed.  We had made plans to go to a pool party and I needed a bathing suit.  In bathing suit shopping, I was looking at myself as a person who is bathing suit shopping.  Immediately following deciding not to compete right now, my mind shifting from critically evaluating every inch of my body, to just seeing myself as I was.  I remember when I cut all of my long hair off and died it red from blond.  I walked around for weeks thinking I had long, blond hair - genuinely being shocked when I saw short, red hair in reflections in passing.  My body is like that right now - I walk around thinking I'm still a size 12, only to react with shock sometimes when I see a size 4.  Given that I was so hyper-aware of every little aspect of my body in competition prep, this may not seem to make sense, but not being in prep mode means I get to step back and see myself as one body, versus a bunch of different muscle groups.  Instead of seeing a tricep outline in the mirror here and a quad line there, I see the big picture. 

JP and I were able to work out together this weekend - twice.  And we did it without an argument.  Ha!  I didn't have a super focused and unfaltering agenda for my workout.  I did high rep explosive moves, versus the slow rep, controlled moves, that JP has been working on in his workouts.  I was sore in a different way from it, too.  And I realized (although this is not a good plan for the long haul), I could do whatever I wanted in the gym and I don't have to have a plan!  Woohoo!  I think I might start doing plyos again for a while (sign of insanity for some of you, I know!).  Actually, after this week I will be back on planned workouts, but it's nice to take a week to do whatever I feel like.

Same with food.  It was nice to not spend ALL day Sunday shopping and prepping food.  I still brought all of my meals with me today, and I am eating clean overall, but I made my meals out of what we had already prepped and what we had in the house (YAY for feta and black beans!!).  This past weekend we ate out once or twice, and that was nice, too.  Just to be on a date with my husband, and to order off of the menu rather than ask for an extra plate to put my own food on.

I also noticed things that have honestly changed for me.  Last night we decided to eat out - and couldn't think of a place we really wanted to eat.  Not because something was too bad or because we couldn't agree on anything, but because we both literally could not think of a place we wanted to eat.  We still found a place - Copper River Grill - of course, but at the end of the day, we really didn't enjoy it, we had leftovers and we didn't bring them home.  I can't say the same for the Yoghut, but I can honestly say that isn't something I want to do a lot.  And we walked the length of the shopping center where Yoghut is prior to going in.  I just needed to be active for a minute.  Same with doing a short burst workout when we got home Saturday night.  We just felt the need to be active after eating off of our normal routine. 

The big thing that has changed has been through constantly evaluating why I want to eat what I want to eat during competition prep.  I have internalized the knowledge that the desire lies more in the realm of control than cravings.  Internalizing that knowledge makes the desire to eat that way less appealing.  That, and I also work hard in the gym, so I really have no desire to wreck that for a moment of instant gratification.

So after a weekend of shifting my mindset, of giving in to temptation a little (more than a little...but not a ton...lol), it is time to regroup and put a plan together for the spring.  My plan is to work on putting on more muscle, leaning out my BF% a little, and starting prep for a late spring show - probably in May.  I did learn that I don't want to do prep through the summer again.  There are too many things we limit as a result - like beach visits to Nana B and Pop-Pop's.  But all is not lost from this experience.  I have learned a lot - about myself and the process, and I have changed a lot, both mentally and physically.  As a result, my measure of success is not whether I competed or not, but whether I have made progress that I am happy with.  Now that my perspective has changed a bit, and I am more focused on the big picture, I am very happy with my progress.   So, although I did not make it to the stage this time around, it has all been a success.  :)