Whoa!

Ok.  I just have to say I am okay.  I'm not depressed. Or hating myself. Or sitting around obsessed with whether I put on a pound or two.  Honestly, when you have an infant, you truly don't have time for all that.  Or I don't, at least.

I was really taken back when I had a few people reach out and tell me they were concerned with how hard/harsh I was being with myself.  When I go back and read the last blog post, I can see how someone can think that.  So I feel the need to address it here. I can see how someone can think of parts of the post as being harsh, but to do so is not looking at the big picture of what I wrote.  My intention was not self-abuse.  Self-abuse is not my reality, either.  In fact, I was telling on the part of me that wants to do that, and saying what I have found works against it.  Self-abuse is not my reality.  There may be times when I am not happy with what I see in the mirror, but who is?  There may be times when I wish I could fit into different clothes, but who doesn't?  There may be times when I call myself names and put myself down.  I have no control over the first thoughts, but I do have control over what I do with them.  

My hope with the last post was to be truthful about the lies my head tells me about my body in the hope that someone else can relate.  These are the truths about the first thoughts, and I am not going apologize for them.  Again, I don't take ownership of them. Acknowledging these thoughts does not make them reality.  Ignoring them can.  Acknowledging them and still doing nothing about it can also make it my reality.  My point in the last post is the number one defense against these thoughts is action.  If I want to get healthier, then I have to take action.  I can't think my way into being healthier.  It reminds me of the old riddle, "Three frogs are on a log.  One decides to jump.  How many frogs are left?   .....   Three frogs are left, because the one frog only made a decision."  Decisions require action to bring about the desired change.  Pointing this out and discussing it isn't being hard on myself.  

The truth is that I literally love the gym.  I WANT to work hard, so my high expectations are not self-abuse, they are a labor of love.  I can mold and change my body through weight training.  I love this.  And losing weight isn't my ultimate goal.  Being healthier is.  I know lots of people who are obsessed with the number on the scale and believe that having a smaller number makes them healthier.  For a lot of people, that couldn't be any further from the truth.  I want to be healthy.  Yes, I want to lose weight, but I also want to build strength, build endurance, eat clean/organic (even raw).  I actually care more about those things than a number on a scale.  I want to look healthy.  I love my curves.  I love that I can put on a ton of muscle.  I think a woman with muscle tone is beautiful, and I can't get that if I am not healthy.  

At the end of the day, I embrace my womanhood.  I embrace that I am a mother.  I love it, and if I had to keep my post-baby body forever in return for my beautiful daughter, I would do so without another thought.  But I don't have to. At the end of the day, embracing who I am means shining light on the dark parts of myself (and my thought processes) so that they don't become my reality.