Driving long distances is rough, even in the best of circumstances. Driving long distances with an 18 month old is even rougher, even in the best of circumstances. Throw in the fact that I am in the final stretch of my competition prep, and we have traveled to and are on our way home from a funeral - where there has been TONS of yummy looking and smelling food - and it's pure torture.
That's right - pure torture. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday. As the rest of the family ate their chicken parm, pizza, fried potatoes, chocolate, and Tasty Kakes, I just about cracked. I even texted my coach, asking if I could have 1 piece of pizza, and then telling him what torture it was. His response? "Deal with it." Yeah, thanks.
As I went to bed last night, I was frustrated, pissed off. This was this first time I have really struggledlike this. In that moment, I could see why people say actually competing separates bodybuilders from weight lifters. In the interest of being honest during this process, the following are all things I struggled with while on this trip:
1. I really wanted to have a full-on coffee - or at the least, a coffee with some sweetener in it. Black iced coffee and coffee from truck stops just sucks when on the road. And when I'm on the road for 10+ hours, there is no way I am making the trip without some form of caffeine - and black coffee is my option right now.
2. With all of that crappy black coffee, I really wanted a piece of gum for my black coffee breath. Alas, no gum - or mints - for me.
3. Eating is a family culture. When you don't eat what everyone else is eating, it changes the dynamic of the family culture for you. JP's family is an eating family - lots of funeral food was brought over, lots of pasta and bread at the post-funeral luncheon, lots of pizza and Tasty Kakes for those who don't live in New Jersey. This is where I struggled most. I just wanted to eat with the culture - and I now have Tasty Kakes on my post show list. It's the first time in all of this - save for gum and sweeteners- that I have honestly thought of something I want to eat and knew for sure it was a yes.
4. I really just want to be able to eat on the fly. I know that preparation equals success in this process, and I did get a lot of comfort from prepping my meals for the drive home today, but just for once I want a meal that doesn't require a truck stop microwave to eat it - or a plan to eat it cold with lots of water.
So, I guess I have finally entered the competition equivalent of senioritis...and just like senioritis, it feels like it is going to be an eternity.
Like the rest of life, I guess this is the time I step back and appraise the truth of the situation. First, if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Second, I made this choice for a reason - to be more healthy and just do it, and since I have already met part of that equation, I need to stick through the other part - the just do it part - and hopefully by that time I will be past obsession over everything I want to eat and will get back to reality. What is reality exactly? Well, it's understanding that, though I won't eat as restrictive as I am now, the truth of being healthy with food is understanding that food is fuel. If I treat it as fuel, then I have a chance of staying healthy. If I treat it as something more than fuel, then I start back in the path that got me to 240 pounds at the end of my pregnancy.
Food is fuel. And sometimes it is community, belonging, but more often than not, it's fuel. Keeping that in perspective will get me through the next 27 days...and beyond...
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