In the recovering community, we have a saying - dont' let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I find this is totally applicable to competition prep, too.
I wrote yesterday's post from my iPhone, as we traveled home from a funeral in New Jersey. We left Thursday afternoon, drive 6 hours to Richmond, Va, where we stayed the night in a hotel. We were back up first thing Firday, did the remaining 6 hours (which took 8 with traffic) to Bordentown, NJ, where we did a whirlwind of family visitation, funeral, luncheon and just a small bit of down time with family. Sunday morning we hit the road at 7:30am - and pulled in the driveway at 9:45pm. A looooooooooong day for sure. As a result, I am beyond exhasuted at the moment. And it's a hollow day to boot.
So, although I am not lonely or angry (ok...a little grumpy from being exhausted...), I am extremely exhausted. Tired for me is the key. If I am tired, then my perception gets skewed in every way, setting the stage for the other three offenders to make an appearance. Hungry works the same for me, seeing as I am hypoglycemic. Reality is that I only feel hungry, not that I actually am hungry. I can at least still make that distinction in my sleepy haze.
This too shall pass. First things first. The only way to it is through it. I am finding myself thinking these things, and I feel a bit like a newcomer again. Wait! I am a newcomer. Not in the sobriety sense, but definitely in the competition prep sense. I have helped others along in their prep. I have attended shows. I have helped expedite shows. But I have never comepeted myself or completed competition prep before now. As a result, I do have a set of tools I can use in this situation - a solution - now that I have my problem properly identified (that I am a newcomer - that I am powerless over my fatigue, over my feeling of hunger, over the nuances that divert my attention from the goal).
Easy Does It. I have to take it easy on myself. I did just go on a whirlwind trip and I am legitimately exhausted. I will get rest tonight, when I have completed my commitments for the day.
First Things First. I can only do what is right in front of me. No point in rehashing even five minutes ago and it's just not possible to be anywhere in the future, so now is all I have. It is my reality. In the moment, all of my wants and needs are met (except for sleep, but I can survive the day).
This Too Shall Pass. And it shall. My fatigue can be managed by getting appropriate sleep tonight. My hunger can be managed by realizing that I am not legitimately hungry - as I just ate 3 ounces of broccoli, 5 ounces of egg whites, a boiled egg and an ounce of oatmeal. My brain is still humming from being lit up by the sight and smell of all of the funeral food this weekend, but that, too, will pass. Most likely as soon as I get some sleep. And either way, I am eating enough and I am nourished.
One Day At A Time. That is the only way to get through anything. When I project my brain to 26 days from now, everything seems unmanageable. When I focus on the day at hand, it's all very manageable. And realistic. And satsifying.
The Only Way To It is Through It. Setting goals and working toward them are a process of delayed gratification. All good things come through work. Through working for the goal, I get a sense of satisfaction, pride and accomplishment that just doesn't happen with instant gratification. Instant gratification is what got me to the place where I was unrecognizable. Delayed gratification has gotten me here, recapturing the self I lost in the process of instant gratification. Also, instant gratification is a mirage....as soon as you have it, it dissapates - leaving in it's wake a desire for more. The greatest way to combat this is through good, old-fashioned hard work.
Think...Think...Think. The one thing that kep me grounded this weekend was the thought that I did not want to ruin 17 weeks of competition prep - especially since I am now only 4 weeks out. There are moments when thinking it through is not a useful tool (that is the nature of an obsessive thought - it crowds out all other thoughts - even rational ones), but I was able to keep grounded in reality enough to know that eating outside of my diet at this point would honestly negate all of the hard work I have done so far.
Live And Let Live. The family was very supportive, which made it all a lot easier. Funny how many people don't understand, but they kept going on, and no one gave a second thought to the fact that I was eating my own food - even at the restaurant after the funeral. This may sound like a small thing, but having people focus in on everything actually makes it harder, not easier. In the end, I have to do what I have to do. JP was there with me, and he is always the voice of reason for me. Ok...most of the time he is the voice of reason. He did have a "Honey, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do..." moment, but after asking him not to do that, he became his usual self - outlining all of the ways I would regret the decision to eat outside of my diet.
...But For the Grace of God... Interestingly, I have stayed away from talking about this as a spiritual process, but it truly is a spiritual process to discipline yourself to a goal and stick with it. It is a letting go of self - of your perception of what you think you want in a moment - of instant gratification... It is a process of faith - proceeding even though you don't know what the outcome will be, and accepting that your part is the footwork. And being content with the footwork. Just typing this paragraph brings me peace. So, yeah...this is a spiritual process for sure.
Funny how this works. I started this post feeling frustrated, tired and hungry. Like a gratitude list in action, this post has provided for me exactly what I needed in this moment, as I all the sudden feel rejuvenated, grateful and content. I can't even think of a great way to wrap this one up...I am just going to say that I am signing off with a new attitude and a smile on my face (and in my heart).
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